Friday, April 29, 2011

There is a whole lot of things that I will forgive, but I just can't take a liar.

Okay, so we all tell lies. Lie to our teachers about homework. Lie to our parents about our grades. Lie to our friends about who we are. Sometimes these lies are in everyones best interest. Sometimes it is to save our own ass. But I don't think I can find even one person on the face of this planet who hasn't ever told a lie. However small it may be. Something as stupid as "My dog ate my homework." But I guess these lies don't count. Lies that save your ass && don't hurt anyone, well I guess they don't count. But who keeps a tab? Of what lies are allowed && what aren't. Someone may think I'm better off not knowing something. Who gives them the right to deicide what's best for me? Don't I deserve the truth?
&& you know what hurts most. It's when you know they're lying to you. && they know that you know that they're lying (if that makes any sense) but they still don't think you're worth the truth.

A lie may take care of the present, but I don't think it has a future.

When you tell one lie, you have to keep track of it. Tell another lie to cover it up. Tell a third lie to cover the first two lies up && so on. Mark Twain once said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." That is so true. With someone who has a memory as bad as mine, I don't remember what lies I've told before. I get entangled in my own stories && end up looking like a fool. So I refrain from lying. I sometimes don't tell the whole truth. && I'm not saying I'm a very honest person && that is why I never lie. I just don't because I can't keep track of it. But I have lied. Abraham Lincoln said "No guy has good enough memory to be a successful liar." As far as I'm concerned, I believe him.

But this post isn't my take on other people lying. Or about lies in general. It is about me lying. To myself. && I guess that is the worst type of lies.
Whenever something goes wrong in my life, I find someone to blame it on. I mean reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth too?
So I don't. I lie.
Bad grades? Family pressure. No friends? I choose to be anti-social. Depression? God hates me. Heck, I only believe in God when I need someone to blame!
I lie to myself. Each && every time. Because it's easier than dealing with the truth. Bad grades? Well I'm dumb. & I didn't work hard enough. No Friends? Because I'm kind of a bitch all the time. Depression? Only I can cause that.
So what I'm saying is, that sometimes we don't realize that we're not admitting things to ourselves. Its less complicated && painless. It's like you tell yourself a lie enough times that you will start believing it to be true.

So I guess this is my confessional. This is the point where I realize how lying to myself is only affecting me. Adversely. && how ignoring the issue doesn't make it go away. It just makes it bigger until I finally have to deal with it.
So I'm going to stop. Take responsibility for what I  do. & for what I don't.

I blamed being anti-social on Dev. I said I didn't have a boyfriend because I was still in love with Dev. I said I didn't wanna live because Dev was everything that mattered. I lied. Yes, he means a lot. && yes, his lies broke me. But I'm stronger than that. && I know it. I was just using him as an excuse to avoid the challenges of life. I was tired. I was broken. & dealing with the pain was too hard. So I just lied to myself that I couldn't do it. It was easier, right?
People try to be friends. They care. But I just didn't let anyone too close. Maybe I had trust issues. Maybe I was just too weary of being disappointed.
But as I said, I'm done. I'm done lying to myself. Done pretending I don't care when I so obviously do. && done pretending that I do care when I've gotten over it a long time ago.
I'm not going to use things that happen to me as an excuse to be weak anymore. I'm going to use them to my benefit. To be strong. & to live :)

"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid." - Richard Bach

"Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others." - Fyodor Dostoevski.

NJ (:

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