Friday, October 17, 2014

The Slump

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. It's been a while since I've written at all. I have drafts with three sentences that barely string together, and no will to go on.
My blog has always been the place where I have been completely transparent. It's my life, the behind-the-scenes. But recently, I've been struggling. How do I write my thoughts when I don't even know myself? When I feel like an incompetent pile of shit?
Some of my friends have urged me to write. Something, anything. They know it's always helped me. I don't know what I'm thinking until I write it down. Words just used to flow. But it's been hard.
Until very recently, I was a teenager with no care in the world. I had bad days, but I was a happy person. But the only thing that is constant is change.
I was in a place in my life where I was inspired and hopeful and aspiring to become the best version of myself. And then it was like, I was not-very-neatly cut out of my dream world, and stuck back into the very place I detested. And I hated everything.
I tried not to. I tried to be positive. To read and write and work. We're humans, we're adaptable. And I was lacking in that basic quality.
I have no problem with all things new. Some people are anxious about change. Not me, I welcome it. It's the old that I struggle with. To maintain. The intolerable concept of routine. The same old places and people and things bore me. I absolutely hate being bored.
And I know better. I know this is how life is going to be. It's not easy. And you're not always going to get what you want. And no matter where you are, it will always seem like the grass is greener on the other side. But what I know and what I feel are two completely different things. I feel pathetic for trying to be happy. For laughing at jokes that aren't really making me laugh, or finishing books even though they don't interest me.
But I know better. I know what I want and I know how to get there and I'm thinking about it all the time. I'm thinking about it all the time, while lying in bed eating chip and dip and watching Project Runway. And that's been my life for the major part of the past year.
But I'm tired of wasting my life away. I know I'm actually pretty cool and the world is lucky to have me. There must be a reason we're here today and I want to make the most of it.
I don't want to be unhappy and bitter. And I don't want to project my insecurities onto other people.
I want to start living again.
So hopefully here's to a new beginning.

Bloom where you're planted.