Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Hello :)

Okay so I was trying different themes & something went horribly wrong.
& I don't know how to get the old one back because I'm an idiot D=
Who actually did Java coding & scored a good 80 marks in Computer Studies.
But that isn't the question.
I'm going to try changing it to something nicer ASAP :)

Everything you have been told is a lie. Things dont happen for a reason. They just occur and you deal with it. People will always leave you. Everybody has somebody they use. And everybody lies. They get mad and say things they dont mean. But once they are said, they are out there, unable to take back. Watch your mouth but more importantly watch your back. There is always someone standing there ready to stab you.

People are always talking about how hard it is to find a good man, but nowadays it's hard to even find a good person. It's so hard to just find a person to talk to, someone who will just listen and not judge, someone who will just take you as you are.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

This post
Is about my best friend.
In advance, i'm sorry to you best friend, for not writing a post about you much earlier when I should have instead of writing posts about stupid virtual father/boyfriends.
Okay first of all, I love you
You've always supoorted me through the worst times. You were there when I tried comitting suicide.
And you stopped me. I owe you my life.
When I ran away from home, you called me even though you were in another country
How can i began to thank you.
You stuck by my, throughall the time when I was going through my fake boyfriend period.
You helped in misson katta, hell you organized misson katta
I owe you way more than you can think about
I'd write more later
i love u


As I've mentioned about a zillion times before, being a teenager isn't easy. We know what we want & then we don't. We want be rebels. We want to prove that we're responsible. We often contradict ourselves. && making up our minds about certain things is very hard. We have some views today, they might change tomorrow. & as always a huge contributing factor is: people.
But this isn't about making decisions or doing what is right blah blah.
This is about a huge confusing feeling. Crushes.
It is almost abnormal to not like anyone at this stage. & having feelings for 5 people is completely normal, in my opinion. It isn't love, oh god no. & it probably isn't even like. It is just that there is nothing wrong with that person & things can work out between you'll. But whether you wanna take the chance or not to find out, is the huge question.
As it is pretty well-known (more well-known than I'd prefer) that I dated a lot of people earlier. I have been too involved with Dev for the past 2 years, almost. But before that, yeah I was quite a slut. I didn't go around sleeping with guys. But I got bored easy & I liked change. So I dated guy after guy. & no I don't regret anything. Each of them taught me a lot, helped me become the person I am. & I'm really thankful that I had someone for whom I was the first priority. With everything going on with my family back then, I wouldn't have made it without someone who, at least I believed, would always be there.
Very often it happens that you don't like someone. You'll hang out a lot. Get super close. Get along fairly well. It all fits. Its convenient. & if things do go wrong, you both know its not intense enough to fuck the friendship you'll have. But you just don't like him. I mean. He is awesome, it isn't that. Its just. I don't know. 
But then your friends come in. Convince you that you'll would be awesome together. & you start thinking about it. Then you over-think it. Then you become really awkward around that person & don't know what to say or how to act. You want your friends to stop pushing you into it. But then you think, do you? Are they correct? How do you realise you like someone? You're with him almost every day. You think he is awesome. He must think the same. You'll have a zillion common friends. It'll all work out. Why not? But then you think again. & you're like Why? & you don't have answers for either of the questions.
& then you're all jumbled up. It can pass. It would. If you keep quiet. Your friends will shut up after a while, if they see that you really don't want it. But in my case, my friends think a real relationship would do me good. After everything. & I guess I agree.
So right now, there is this guy. He is smart & he is funny & I guess he can pass as cute & we spend a lot of time together. & my friends seem to think that we'll do great together. & I'm so confused, it isn't even funny.
Like I had zero feelings for him before they mentioned it. & now I'm all baffled.
So yeah. I'm just going to stop thinking. LET IT BE. Whatever has to happen, will. Thinking doesn't seem to do me good :P

Much Love.<3

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I believe in payback. Letting people screw you over is just lazy & uncreative.

I'm allowed to dislike someone who hurt me. I'm allowed to say what I want, do what I want, be who I want, this is my life. && if you don't like it then there's something wrong with yours, not mine.

Isn't it sad that we're all so young, yet we're so depressed, alone, forgotten, paranoid, judgmental, & afraid of the future? What happened to being young, living life, having fun, & not giving a fuck?

Meaningless rant -__-

I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people's eyes.
Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Do they think I'm a stupid little bitch? Or are they fascinated by who I am?
The thing is that, no matter how hard I try. && how public I make it, no one wil know my whole story.
No one will know the things I've had to overcome. Not my family. Not even my closest friends.
The thing is that people are so quick to judge these days. Do not look beneath. Presume the worst & label you forever.
I always try to look as put together as I can && I guess that is my way of hiding from the truth.
Its just the way everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. That I am not going through anything even mildy disturbing. It is the only thing that works to avoid all the 'Whats wrong?' questions. Because honestly, I don't have an answer to them. No way I can explain. No way they would understand.
So the truth is that, no one really knows me. No knows how broken I am. No one will ever know me and that scares me. Because no one will ever know why I am the way I am.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

“Well, if you don’t like it, you know what the solution is, don’t you?” yelled Hermione; her hair was coming down out of its elegant bun now, and her face was screwed up in anger. “Oh yeah?” Ron yelled back. “What’s that?” “Next time there’s a ball, ask me before someone else does, and not as a last resort!” Ron mouthed soundlessly like a goldfish out of water as Hermione turned on her heel and stormed up the girls’ staircase to bed. Ron turned to look at Harry. “Well,” he sputtered, looking thunderstruck, “well - that just proves – completely missed the point -” Harry didn’t say anything. He liked being back on speaking terms with Ron too much to speak his mind right now - but he somehow thought that Hermione had gotten the point much better than Ron had.


Well, JK Rowling actually said this. (:

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


There are different kind of relationships in the world. They're all defined. There is a certain mould you must fit into. There are rules as to how a mother has to act, or a boyfriend or a friend or a teacher. But what if you can't explain what kind of relationship you have with someone. Its not love. Its not like. Its not a hook-up. Something about the person interests you. Almost amuses you. Makes you smile. Laugh even, when you think to yourself. But no, its not love. & you don't see yourself dating him. That wouldn't work out. But there is that something. That something which you cannot explain. Its mysterious. But you just let it be. Don't decide the dimensions of how it'll work. Don't expect anything. Be surprised. Cuz that feeling, is one of the best.
You might think I don't make sense. So let me tell you a story to explain.
This is a real story. with bits & pieces added here and there. To tie up the ends.

I was 15. Gullible, I guess. I had dated before. You like me? I like you? Oh lets hold hands under the table in class & pass cheesy notes to each other. :D
Yeah. That kind of a relationship.
So as I said, I was 15. My boards just got over && I was going to go to Goa with some friends. AND MY MOM. & my friends mom. Yeah D:
But we were 15, so I guess it was okay.
I'm gonna spare you the tiny details cuz otherwise this would end up to be way too long. My memory surprises me when I realise how much I remember about this trip.
So we were going by train. You know when you're with your friends, you want everything to last longer. So we didn't choose to fly there. Anyway, so on the train we saw a group of guys. Some of them were really cute :P My friends & I giggled, called dibbs. Got over it :P
The next day we went sightseeing. I have NO idea why, but we did. & we got reaaallly bored. So the next day, my friend decided to stay back at the hotel. When we got back she told us she had 'run into' the guys from the train. & we were supposed to meet them on the beach at 6 o'clock[or something :3].
I guess we were excited that something was finally happening. All the sightseeing crap was driving us crazy. So we met on the beach. Shit happened. yadayadaya.
The guys came to our hotel in the night & we got drunk -.-
I think that was the first time I ever got drunk. Yep, positive. It was. I don't know what got over me, but I made out with this guy. [the one I called dibbs on yay ^_^]
Also my friend poured vodka on the other guys head, but that isn't very important.
So the next morning I wake up & realise what I did last night. Now being 15, I felt stupid :3 So I texted him saying how sorry I was & how stupid I felt. He replied with "wanna start over?" I swear I felt butterflies explode in my stomach.
So I was all cool & replied "sure :)" & he was like "I'll pick you up at 10."
Which to a 15 year old seemed VERY fairytale-ish.
So as planned, he did pick me. But as far as I remember, he was late. Not important though.
So we went to the beach. Sat for 5 hours. Just talking. I really don't about what. Life & school & people & movies & music & I don't even know, seriously. But safe to say it as probably the best date I've ever had :)
The next night we went to beach again. Talked for hours. Did other stuff apart from talking. Well yeah. It was nice.
Then we got back to Bombay. He lived in town. & I kept going to town & stuff for college admissions. So one day we just decided to meet. It wasn't that great. And we didn't see each other for 2 years after that. I guess after coming back from Goa, I was convinced I was in Love with him. I didn't get the concept of Summer Love. Or hooking up. Or what happens in Goa, stays in Goa. I was 15. Yes I am going to blame it all on being young & naive. I got over it though. Got into a pretty serious relationship & forgot all about Goa. It was still special. It was a good memory. Good times. But I realised that it wasn't, you know, something long term.
2 years later. He comes on facebook chat & goes "Nooooppuurr!!" & we haven't spoken in forever. So I'm like "types-name-backspace-backspace-I'd-rather-maintain-anonymity"So hes like I had a dream bout you & I have to meet you! & I'm like "That is not creepy at all. Okay lets meet :P" Notice the smiley. Its significant. He thinks I over-use it. -.-
Moving on. I had a board paper the next day & he was flying to Thailand. He delayed his flight until after meeting me :3 & I went to see him after school.
So we meet. & History repeats itself.
We get drunk. & we make out. & we dance. We danced in Goa too. But I guess that was more of him holding me up to keep me from falling. Anyway, he downloads the Harry Potter theme music to dance with me. & I guess that is reason enough to marry a guy. But this was different. It was, as I mentioned before, unexplainable.

So I guess I'll see him in another two years. Have the most wonderful time. Then meet again after two years.
I don't know what to call this. Cyclic hookup? I think not. Its not a hook-up. Its not some random guy I met at some club. Not now at least.
We're very different people. We like each others company. We like other too. But how we want to define what we have, we've not decided. But I guess its best to be left unsolved. Cuz in my opinion, its what keeps us interested.

Much Love<3

The same person is mentioned in another post - Reminder. :)

Monday, June 6, 2011

To be liked.

I've often been told that I'm a bitch. That I'm cynical. Sadistic. Pessimistic. Spiteful. Irresponsible. Insecure. Dumb. Irrational. Unreasonable.
I didn't care. Its who I am. Take it or leave it.
I don't mean to be an evil person who isn't liked very much. I don't mean to hurt anybody. I don't see any personal gain in that.
But I don't know what I do wrong. What makes people dislike me. Do I try too hard to not be a drag? To be liked? Or show that I don't care at all because that is what is appreciated these days? I don't know.
I don't know where I go wrong. But I usually do. I wish I was chilled out. Patient. Didn't pay heed to what the world thought. & though I might pretend that I don't care. I do. Everyone does. & if they say they don't, they're lying.
Everyone feels the need to be liked. The need to fit in. The need to be popular. So do I.
Point is, I've come to realise that I do care what people say. & to all those people who are going to say "You're awesome. Don't change for people" blah blah. STFU. Because if I was awesome, I wouldn't have reason for this post. I wouldn't have people saying "Oh I heard shit bout you but you're not that bad." Because obviously some people dislike me. I must be doing something wrong. I just wish it was easier to figure what that was.
Often I hear "Oh but you're so pretty, of course he'll like you." But it my opinion being liked for the way you look is worse than not being liked at all. I mean its the genes you have. no contribution of your own. So all those people who take being 'hot' as the best compliment in the world, think again.

People say "If your set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time & you would achieve nothing." BULLSHIT, in my opinion.
I mean so you're all successful. You have all the wealth & fame in the world. But what good is it going to do if everyone you know hates you?

So Glee & High School Musical can go fly a kite cuz being 'yourself' only works on TV. In real life, 'you' are what people what to see. & they are what you wanna see. That is the way it goes. The hot guy will play hard to get even if he genuinely likes you. & the nerdy chick will drool over the hot guy cuz even though she thinks hes a tool. Its the way it works.

So, what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the need to be accepted. & to be loved. As for me, I'm just gonna go try to figure where I go wrong.

Much love<3

Thursday, June 2, 2011


A question often asked, does God exist?
Well. I'm agnostic. he may exist. He may not. I don't see how it affects me. I haven't seen spirits or dinosaurs. I believe in them, I guess. Then why not believe in God?
Well, everyone says God is this noble, all-loving creature. & that he is boss of all. Everything is planned by him. Well, if everything in my life is planned by you Mr. I'm-so-awesome-call-me-God then you're a spiteful, sadistic, insecure little bitch.
I'm scared to get too happy. Cuz whenever I do, something bad always happens. & if you're the one who causes this then thanks for being so cruel.
I am just annoyed by everything going wrong in my life & I have no one to blame. Not even myself. Cuz it isn't my fault. Its just how things are :S
So I decide to blame you God dude. Yes, you fucked up & I have to suffer. So I'd appreciate it if you did something nice for me. For once >.<

Dante :)

Yes, everyone who knows me in person will think its retarded to do a post on him. But I haven't posted in forever & well, we had a very intense relationship for over 2 days -.-'

So. Sometimes you meet a person who doesn't impact your life in any way. You'll don't immediately get along. && you'll have absolutely nothing in common. But you see right through him. He puts up this strong, badass image. Or he shows you a softer emotional side. Anyway, you can tell that that is not who he really is. Its just a charade to get attention. To stand out, perhaps.
But as I said, you see right through them. You know that almost everything he is saying is bullshit. But you still happen it all cute. && you wait around for him to text you [whisper in this case]. Or to tell you he likes you. Even though you don't think very highly of this person, something about them attracts you. Makes you adore them. In a very unexplainable way.
I met this guy. He is apparently a free running ninja. Yes yes you can laugh. But he is adorable. & he is funny. & he is extremely selfless & nice. He is also a whore. Who dated 4 people in a span of 4 days but that is all accepted in the world where we met :)
SO this is to Dante. If you ever read this. You made me feel incredibly special for that one week :) Showing me all those secrets :) I remember when I first met you you were invisible [the smoke zombie but eh :/]. Ironic. You're an amazing amazing person & I love you :) Don't change. Imma see you next fall, ninja XD

Anyway.  This post is just to state that sometimes there isn't a reason you like somebody. You just do. & that is the most interesting & fascinating kinda feeling :)
- CandyXx singing out xD

NJ <3