Saturday, June 30, 2012

The little things.

Lately, I've been happy. Really happy. I guess thats why I haven't been posting too much. I've realised I only write when I'm sad. Well you figure why I'm writing now then, I guess.
I should probably begin with why I'm so happy.
I realise that I'm not going to be in the country for much longer (my I20 has STILL not arrived and my visa could always be declined but lets hope for the best) and I am in the phase where I'm feeling like I'm going to miss everyone and everything so much. And so I've just started to appreciate the little things. Things that I probably spent years complaining about. I'm going to miss rickshaws and pani puri and bum showers and hindi gaalis. I'm gonna miss my friends. And my family. And annoying people who I wish didn't exist.
So basically, I've just been grateful for the all the things I have. I spend way too much tie concentrating on what I don't have. For once, I was concentrating on what I do.
But well after working for 15 hours and being exhausted as fuck I wanted to cry so bad I just didn't have a reason to. So I went fishing for some. And if you're trying to be sad, you'll always find something to be sad about.
That is another thing that I realised. That I go looking for sadness. When things are going right, I get scared that if I get too happy it will jinx it and something bad will happen.
I'm just a pessimist overall. Which I was fine with. Having no expectations results in dealing with no disappointments was like my mantra.
But I've realised, I do care. I do hope for the best. And I am disappointed more often then not.
I don't know the purpose of this rant. I guess I spend so much time thinking about who is prettier, smarter or funnier than me that I forget to appreciate myself. My self esteem is as low as it could possibly be. And that kinda sucks. So I've decided, that I'm going to stop comparing myself to other people for starters. Its unhealthy and retarded. I am going to appreciate what I have instead of whining about what I don't.
I will probably never understand the pain of the starving kids in Africa but I know that I have it easier than them even though I can't buy the brilliant Steve Maddens I found online because $80 is a ridiculous price for shipping.
So here's to appreciating things. The little ones. Like my bum shower.