So I'm on my way back from LA. I haven't talked about Dev in a while. Not just on my blog but to people too. Because I knew how ridiculous it all was. It made me seem extremely stupid for talking to him when I was in California and he was still not around. But I had faith in him. I admit that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but I'm not that stupid or gullible. I knew he was lying bout everything. I had proof that he was lying. But I always felt like even though the facts were all lies his feelings for me were always true. And that, when time came, he would come clean because that's how important I was to him. Well, I guess I was wrong.
So apparently he was in New York the past month and he was flying to LA the day I got there. We spoke right before he got on the plane. He told me it was flight aa 119. The lengths this boy goes to to lie. He was going to call me when he landed. We were finally going to see each other.
Well, I don't think it's a surprise that he didn't show. It would be unexpected if he did. But I've always had hope. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't even blame anyone. Or regret anything. Everyone I know told me stop talking to him. Multiple times. And I didn't listen. I'd fight with him and tell him to be real and he'd be like 'leave if you don't believe me' and I didn't. I stayed. Because I trusted what we had. Even though it was completely based on lies, it was the most real relationship I've had.
This was no ones fault but mine. Things would have been very different if not for Dev. I would be a different person. I probably wouldn't even have this blog. I'm pretty sure I started it when I was with him.
Real or not, he was always someone who believed in me. Who made me feel special. Who made me feel like I was needed. That his life would suck without me. The illusion of someone as perfect as him wanting to be with someone like me was flattering.
But it does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live. Albus Dumbledore taught me that. So I am done. And this time, for real. I've done everything I possibly could. Pushed this as far as it could go. There is nothing left here. He's never going to be able to explain why he couldn't see me yesterday. No excuse will be convincing enough. And I'm never going to be able to forget how he's making me feel right now.
Imagine finding out that you mean nothing to the most important person in your life. The person you moved to an entire different for. (I'm not saying that was the only reason why I moved. But he was definitely a huge part of the reason)
So basically I'm broken right now. But that's a good thing. Because now I'm going to start picking up the pieces and move on. Try to be happy without Dev Morison. Three years is a long time. I grew up with him. And he stuck through all the good and bad times. Especially the bad. I can't imagine what would happen if he wasn't around. And I wish so bad that I didn't have to go on without him. But I do.
This is probably the biggest change in my life. Bigger than moving to this country. Not having dev to fall back on on a bad day. But I'm gonna try really hard. To make it. But I know that somewhere inside me I'll always be hoping to find him. To find my happy ever after.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
So life in the US isn't at all what I expected to be. I always thought those stereotypes they showed in the movies didn't really exist. But they do. It's appalling. I mean, in India you could be on the soccer team and be a nerd and like to party all at the same time but it's not like that here. You can do things but at the end all the soccer dudes are friends with the soccer dudes and the Asians only hang out with the Asians and its hard to find a place when you're not hella good at something. Or if you want friends who like to do different things at different times. This isn't high school musical. You stick to the status quo. Which is confusing if you don't know what the status quo is.