Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Picking sides.

You know how you feel when your two bestfriends are fighting. && you're just sandwiched in the middle. Listening to both sides of the story. Listening to both of them bitch about each other && presenting different versions of the story. & not being able to take a side. & having to defend them both. Gets frustrating, right? && at one point you just can't be patient && tell them to grow up && stop acting like kids.
Well, imagine that situation being 10x worse.
Replace your bestfriends with your parents.
Thats how I feel.
I mean I haven't spoken to my mom in quite sometime now but they have their own versions on what happened between them. On what is happening now. & none of the stories are pretty. They frustrate me. I wish I was 5 years old so they'd think I was too young to understand. But no, I'm barely 5 months from being an adult && I look mature enough to sneak into A Rated movies && thus I can perceive what's happening. Understand. Evaluate. && take sides.
Their case is in the court. There is a new addition to the papers every time there is a hearing. A new reason to cause dispute. & then having to listen to your parents bitch.
I lived with my mom for a year before I moved in with dad. So I've had equal amounts of heart-to-hearts with both of them. && they're not pleasant. I feel suffocated. Yes, probably, she has done a lot of wrong things but she is my mom. && No, I can't judge her. & you were in love with her. There has to be a reason why you'll went against both your families && ran away together. Got married in a jungle. Same applies for dad. I might hate him sometimes. I know he is not the perfect husband. Definitely not. But he is my dad. & nothing is going to change that.
You just love your parents. Maybe that's what blood does.
I just wish it wasn't so hard. That if people stopped getting along they'd just walk away. Without causing so much drama. Without causing pain to themselves && other people involved. Just disappear. Because even though it sounds horrible, I'm guessing its easier that way.
Albert Camus once said that "Life is a sum of all your choices." I believe that is true. I believe in never regretting anything because at one point that is exactly what we wanted. && I wish sometimes that my parents would understand that. && stop blaming each other for the wrong choices they themselves made. Take responsibility for their actions.
I wish we didn't have to go through this. But at the same time, it is what makes me strong. && I know that this phase in life will pass. Sooner or later the sun will come out. Until then all I can do is keep hope :)

Much love,

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