Baffled.

As I've mentioned about a zillion times before, being a teenager isn't easy. We know what we want & then we don't. We want be rebels. We want to prove that we're responsible. We often contradict ourselves. && making up our minds about certain things is very hard. We have some views today, they might change tomorrow. & as always a huge contributing factor is: people.

But this isn't about making decisions or doing what is right blah blah.

This is about a huge confusing feeling. Crushes.

It is almost abnormal to not like anyone at this stage. & having feelings for 5 people is completely normal, in my opinion. It isn't love, oh god no. & it probably isn't even like. It is just that there is nothing wrong with that person & things can work out between you'll. But whether you wanna take the chance or not to find out, is the huge question.

As it is pretty well-known (more well-known than I'd prefer) that I dated a lot of people earlier. I have been too involved with Dev for the past 2 years, almost. But before that, yeah I was quite a slut. I didn't go around sleeping with guys. But I got bored easy & I liked change. So I dated guy after guy. & no I don't regret anything. Each of them taught me a lot, helped me become the person I am. & I'm really thankful that I had someone for whom I was the first priority. With everything going on with my family back then, I wouldn't have made it without someone who, at least I believed, would always be there.

Very often it happens that you don't like someone. You'll hang out a lot. Get super close. Get along fairly well. It all fits. Its convenient. & if things do go wrong, you both know its not intense enough to fuck the friendship you'll have. But you just don't like him. I mean. He is awesome, it isn't that. Its just. I don't know. 

But then your friends come in. Convince you that you'll would be awesome together. & you start thinking about it. Then you over-think it. Then you become really awkward around that person & don't know what to say or how to act. You want your friends to stop pushing you into it. But then you think, do you? Are they correct? How do you realise you like someone? You're with him almost every day. You think he is awesome. He must think the same. You'll have a zillion common friends. It'll all work out. Why not? But then you think again. & you're like Why? & you don't have answers for either of the questions.

& then you're all jumbled up. It can pass. It would. If you keep quiet. Your friends will shut up after a while, if they see that you really don't want it. But in my case, my friends think a real relationship would do me good. After everything. & I guess I agree.

So right now, there is this guy. He is smart & he is funny & I guess he can pass as cute & we spend a lot of time together. & my friends seem to think that we'll do great together. & I'm so confused, it isn't even funny.

Like I had zero feelings for him before they mentioned it. & now I'm all baffled.

So yeah. I'm just going to stop thinking. LET IT BE. Whatever has to happen, will. Thinking doesn't seem to do me good :P

Much Love.<3

NJ.