Sunday, May 22, 2011


You know sometimes you feel very unlike yourself. Different. Act in ways you didn't act before. You tell yourself you have changed. That it is a part of growing up. But sometimes it just isn't. Sometimes it just so happens that you have forgotten who you used to be & how much you loved being that person.
I used to be what people call 'bubbly'. I use to be over-talkative & over-social & loud & all that. & then in the last couple of months I changed. Drastically. I stayed home. Watched FRIENDS & Bones & Glee & Gossip Girl && PLL & oh you get the point. I facebooked & omegle-d & tumblr-d & blogged. I had more of a life online than offline. I don't know what caused this change. What made me a depressed bundle of self pity but something did. & I could tell that people didn't like the change.
But I told myself that I don't live to please these people & I am who I am. I was wrong. My friends didn't walk away because I had changed. They still stuck by me. Loved me. But it was easy to tell that they missed the person I used to be.
& then sometimes, the smallest things remind you of what you were && what you should be. I blogged so much because writing always helped me to express myself better. Apparently, it didn't.
My best friend told me that I had lost my 'muchness'. It was a reference from Alice in Wonderland & I didn't quite get it back then. Now I do. I had lost the quality of me being me. The things that made me who I was. What made me stand out. He also said that I'm the most ordinary chick in the world. But that is what makes me special. That everyone else is trying to hard to be different that being ordinary is cool :P [I think you're rather smart, Sid :D]
I used to be impulsive & stupid & always getting into trouble & had cursed luck. So I started controlling myself. Thinking more, analyzing more, trying to abide by rules. Not making any mistakes. Not falling into trouble. That didn't really help. But being pessimistic was easier. I didn't have to deal with disappointment. I spent a lot of time thinking. That isn't always a good thing.
I was reminded a few days ago of who I used to be. How much fun it was to get into trouble & get out of it & not remember it the next day.
I had someone from the past come into my life. It was someone who had a major part in my life. I knew this person for 5 days. Or two years. I don't know. Its complicated. It isn't really. Its just something that goes with the flow. But then I'm dedicating a whole other post to that.
The point is that this person somehow convinced me that I deserve better than what I am giving myself. That I am an awesome person & I'm young & I shouldn't think so much & just be myself.
I think I just regained my muchness. Maybe it was the influence of this particular person. Maybe it was just time, I just want to say thank you, HZ :)

"The quarterlife experience is so often about losing your muchness. We lose direction, we lose passion, we lose focus, we lose sanity…but the best people are mad, you know. This version of Alice in Wonderland reminds us that sometimes we lose our muchness and that it often takes a journey to get it back."

You can tell Jesus, the bitch is back XD - My favorite, favorite quote from Gossip Girl :P

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