Saturday, December 17, 2011

Insecurities.

I have just come to realise how very insecure I am. About who I am. I constantly feel like I'm not pretty enough. Or not funny enough. Or not smart enough. I try to hide it behind my layer of sarcasm & bitchiness because I think its better acting like I don't care than trying & sucking at everything. Ever since I was a kid, I was in a very protected environment. Not protected as in conservative, but I went to school with like very little population. I made friends easily but in a particular group or place. I never had to go out of my comfort zone. But I'm older now, I have to go out. Make a way for myself. & I feel like I'm constantly under pressure for being the best. At at least something. Because thats how it used to be. In a school with like 40 kids in my batch, it was easy to be noticed. To be good at something. To stand out. I was used to that. Being noticed. And now suddenly, there are so many people who are so good at everything and I feel like I just can't find a place to fit in. I push my friends away. Because they are more sure of themselves than I am. Because they have it easy. They don't have to deal with half the things I've had to. They're better than me. I hate them. Because I'm jealous. Then I hate myself for hating people who care about me and who can't help it if I have a harder life than them. Sometimes I don't let people in because I'm scared. Scared they'll see what a wreck I am. Or how imperfect I am. Or worse, that they'll walk away. Thats why I clinged on to Dev for so long. Because he never walked away. It took my two years to realise that he had to be there first, in order to attempt to walk away. He was never here.
So, I'm now aware. Of how insecure and scared I am. But I still don't know what to do about it. How to stop putting up a strong front for the world to see. Just be happy with my imperfections. Try to be a better person. Somehow, things never seem to work out for me. And everytime I think that I feel pathetic because of all the self-pity. Then I think about it. And think some more. And get completely muddled in my thoughts and can't make sense of anything.
So I guess I'm a work in progress. I'll get there. I need to give myself time. Not try so hard. Maybe for a while, I should just be happy... Easier said than done, though.

1 comment:

  1. You've got over 1000 talents to be proud of ^_^

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