Sunday, September 12, 2010

I Don't Know If I'm Getting Better , Or Just Used To The Pain.

I was sick of the rain. About time it stopped. I sat at home all day , watching the roads flood and waiting for the sun to come out.
I hoped for a rainbow , I hoped for a rainbow every time it rained. Guess it gave me hope. That it might be stormy now , but it really can't rain forever.
Sitting on the window sill , I drank a cup of hot coffee and read a corny Nicholas Sparks book , occasionally glancing outside the to see the raindrops racing down the glass of my window. I smiled silently , remembering how I cheered the raindrops when I was a kid. Betting chocolates on raindrops. The good old days. When life wasn't so complicated. When the definition of drama was someone breaking your crayon.
I often wished I could go back , back to the time when I knew who I was . Where I was headed . Back to the time when I had her. && Him. To show me . To teach me. To guide me.
It all started when my sister was getting married.
We lived in Cameron , Louisiana . It was a small Parish town and we just about the only Indian family in the town. So we decided to have the wedding at our hometown in India.
My brother-in-law to be lived in Mumbai , Maharashtra. My sister and I had grown up there , we had moved to Louisiana only recently , about 2 years ago. We had our whole lives in Mumbai and having the wedding ceremony there with our family and friends only made sense.
My brother-in-law Daniel and my sister Ashley had been high school sweethearts. Actually , they'd be dating ever since they were in 7th grade. Their love was the kind in books. They were like pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly. They made complete sense to each other. Just one glance at them , and you could tell how madly in love they were.
Today , about 11 years later . They were still the same. They spoke on the phone , late at night like 16 year olds. She blushed whenever he was around. He did too. I always made fun of them , but secretly hoped && hoped I'd find a guy who'd love me as much as Dan loved Ash .
Dan and I loved not getting along. He was a very very close friend , considering how he'd been around when I grew up . But we just found pleasure in harassing each other , fighting for Ash's attention. He was a good sport . One time , I broke an egg on his head. My parents were grounding me for a week , when he came to my rescue && told them that he'd asked me to break the egg on his head, that he'd watched on TV that egg yolk was a good conditioner. BULLSHIT I thought. But my parents bought it.
Dan had saved me a zillion other times. Forging signature on my leave notes when I bunked school, helping me with projects for school. He was my older brother. One of my closest friends too.
Ash and I had always been close. She was never embarrassed of me in front of her friends , she helped me with schoolwork , with shopping , she gave me 'The Talk' , she practically raised me. Her friends adored me , sorry for the lack of modesty, but I was quite a cool kid .
So you get the part that we were pretty tight.
And that I was incredibly happy that Dan and Ash were finally getting married. That he'd flown all the way to Cameron on their anniversary , ignored his jetlag and decorated our front porch with lilies and vanilla candles, Ash's favorite scents. Poured out white wine && climbed through Ash's window at 4am , led her downstairs && asked her to marry him.
Ash's response wasn't quite movie-like. Well , it was horrible , in my opinion. She passed out. Yes. Passed out. I mean I know that its pretty surprising when your boyfriend turns up inside your bedroom even if he lives on the next street , this guy appareated from continents away. Then he leads you out in the open at 4am , forgetting that its America && people cannot wander outside in the pajamas cuz its pretty darn cold. && After ALL that , he proposes to you. I mean sure , the proposal should've been expected , but Ash wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.
So after all the shrill screaming that made me nearly deaf && all the melodrama && all the corny lines && all the sloppy kisses she finally agreed to marry him.
Three months later , we were in India. The wedding date was fixed for the 16th of September . Ash && I always thought September was the most romantic month . That was a month away.
Invitations were printed , venues were booked , tons of shopping was done, food menu had to be decided , invitations were sent . The guests started arriving a little too early. This always happened in Indian weddings. We had booked two whole hotels for the guests coming from various parts of the country . A couple of friends were coming from the States too.
The wedding atmosphere was all over && as Indian weddings go , the girls family has to arrange everything. Though , Dan's family was more than helpful , being family friends for so long and everything.
The day arrived. There were more than a thousand guests . The wedding was held at the finest , most expensive hotel in the country . Ash looked ravishing , like something straight from heaven. We had the similar good looks. We would have passed as twins if only Ash didn't look slightly older than me .
Dan looked amazing too. I always thought of him as a brother and never noticed how.. well... hot he was . Which was quite :P My brother in law to be was extremely good looking. The last time I noticed that he was sort of gorgeous was on the night of their senior prom. But there was something about today. He looked ecstatic . Like this is all he wanted in life. && after today , nothing mattered. Living , dying he didn't care. Ash was his , it was all he ever wanted.
The wedding was a busy event. I was attending to everyone , making sure everyone is comfortable. Reapplying Ash's lipstick every 20 minutes. Finding relatives who might know each other and introducing them so they wouldn't get very bored. Checking Ash's hair. Posing for photographs etcetera.
I would be lying if I said I was glad it was over. The celebration. The annoying aunties leaving sure made me happy , but I would miss that chatter. I would miss the fancy clothes I was forced to wear the last couple of days . I would miss associating with people I barely knew but was related to somehow. && most of all , I would miss my sister. My best friend. Ash.
But I knew I could come visit any time. && so could she. I was pretty sure I'd get to see her at least once in two months. I better be able to, or I'd kick Dan's balls off.

Ash's birthday was a week after they were returning from their honeymoon. We decided to stay in Bombay until then . Ash && I were always together on our birthdays , the thought of actually not being around at 12am , giving me the perfect present , and making fun of how I was a year closer to gray hair && wrinkles was something I dreaded. 

Ash had bought me lots && I mean LOTS of things on her honeymoon. I guess presents made up for the time I lost with her. Yes , I was rather materialistic :P
Meanwhile I had shopped for her birthday too. I had made a huge collage of our pictures . Pictures from the day she was born , the day I was born , our first birthdays , our football matches , our annual days, to her wedding. The pictures that didn't fit on the BIG frame were put in 6 scrapbooks. Boy, did we love love clicking pictures. 
I also bought her lots of clothes. && shoes. A girl can NEVER have enough shoes. && I bought her lots of sexy lingerie :P Now that she was married , it was acceptable to gift her this :P
&& tons of other things that I don't remember now :\
I was aware that this might be the last birthday we had together. A year later she might even have babies && stuff. Ew. Gross. I was too young to be an aunt. Ash , Dan && I were going to have a serious talk about how they can't have babies if I'm a teenager -.-' 

So Ash's birthday plans were made. Dan && Ash && their close friends would go out for dinner && stuff on the night before her birthday. She promised me that she'd be home before 12am , so we could be together then . && on the night of her birthday there would be a huge party. Family , friends , old aunties who no one actually liked , everyone :)

It was almost 11:30 && I was waiting for Ash to get home. My mom had told me not to keep my hopes very high . That Ash wasn't very likely to turn up before 12 && that she had to be with Dan , it was her first birthday with him && how I should learn to share her && let her live her own life && some other shit that I didn't even bother listening to .
11:45 Ash wasn't home . But I wasn't patient. Mom was probably right. It was her first birthday married to him. But it was also her last birthday with me. Be patient . I thought.
11:50. She better be on her way by now. Dan drove FAST. Like FAST. Some people called it rash. But he was in one piece & so was his car , so whatever. They should be here soon.
11:55. I was standing at the balcony . Phone in hand , what if Ash called to say she was stuck in traffic or something? 
11:57. Should I call her? Theres no sign of her .
11:59. Okay I might be getting a little restless but WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?
12:00. I dial her number with shaking hands. I'll wish her happy birthday && she'll tell me she'll be home in 2. Yes. 
12:02. I've called her twice. WHY is she not answering?
12:10. I've called her && Dan about a zillion times. WHERE ARE THEY?
12:30. I am going to go wake mom up. Shes half an hour late :@
12:40. Mom tells me to go to bed. I am going to wake daddy .
12:50. I'm waking daddy up . He tells me that I should let him sleep. 
12:52: I accept defeat && I'm walking outside daddy's room when his phone rings. I rush to his side hoping its Ash.
We need to go to the hospital right now he says && walks out of the house like a zombie. Just like that. In his nightclothes. I yell at mom && run after dad.
The hospital? I'm starting to get worried.

My sister died on her birthday. She died with the person she loved the most. She died because she didn't want to disappoint the other most important person in her life. Me.
They had been a little drunk. && they had been late. && Ash knew how disappointed I'd be if she wouldn't come. 
She told Dan to drive fast. He did. He drove rashly. He was drunk. The car ran into the divider with a lot of the force. The street light fell on the car. The steering wheel had sunk into Dan's chest. Took them hours to get his body out. Ashley looked beautiful even in her death. She had no scars , no bruises on her body. She died instantly. Of brain haemorrhage. 
The other two people in the car , were sitting behind. One of them slipped into a coma for 3 months. The other survived with small fractures.

I sat at the hospital for 6 hours. Couldn't talk. Couldn't move. Couldn't think. 
Hoped it would all be a bad dream. That I'd wake up with Ash screaming at me about how I fell asleep on her birthday night. Dan telling her to cut me some slack && winking at me with that stupid smirk.
That didn't happen.
They lay cold. Lifeless. 

I still think of them. Everyday.
&& I want them to know that they'll never be forgotten.
They're IMTF<3

------ The End ------

I'm sorry if the end is a bit all over the place. I really wanted to finish this. && there is ganpati visarjan in the next building to the loud drums wouldn't lemme think :@ But yeah . Hope you like it :)

R.I.P Jigu Di (: i miss you :(

I won't go so far to say that I'm fine too much of what I felt for you remains.

I'd like to believe in the healing hands of time but the truth is ,

I really can't say if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.

Much Love<3


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I'm really sorry. Please ignore the above comment post^^
    I'd never read the article. sorry for acting stupid, never knew it was something this serious. Please forgive me? :(

    Really touching. And Scarier to know that its real! Goodbyes are sentimental. Goodbyes forever are like - cant convey in words.

    Its amazing that you can put your life so well in words. You're a brilliant writer.

  3. OMG! this is fiction! yr very good at making it all sound freaky real!