Sorry for the sucky handwriting again :$

What we really mean..

My handwriting is slightly sucky :3 & I made a mistake with the apostrophe before you say anything, Ve e :P

Dev Morison. The name makes me smile. He is smart. & he is funny. & understanding. & he is a jerk to the whole world but me and that makes me feel incredible. He'd die for me. He wants to marry me. We've even decided the color of the living room walls for when we moe in together. He sounds like modern day Prince Charming, doesn't he? Yeah, he is perfect. But there is one tiny problem. He isn't real. (U)

Dear Perfect Boyfriend,
Welcome to the club.
Sincerely,
Easter Bunny, Santa and Tooth fairy.

Unsolved.

There are different kind of relationships in the world. They're all defined. There is a certain mould you must fit into. There are rules as to how a mother has to act, or a boyfriend or a friend or a teacher. But what if you can't explain what kind of relationship you have with someone. Its not love. Its not like. Its not a hook-up. Something about the person interests you. Almost amuses you. Makes you smile. Laugh even, when you think to yourself. But no, its not love. & you don't see yourself dating him. That wouldn't work out. But there is that something. That something which you cannot explain. Its mysterious. But you just let it be. Don't decide the dimensions of how it'll work. Don't expect anything. Be surprised. Cuz that feeling, is one of the best.
You might think I don't make sense. So let me tell you a story to explain.
This is a real story. with bits & pieces added here and there. To tie up the ends.

I was 15. Gullible, I guess. I had dated before. You like me? I like you? Oh lets hold hands under the table in class & pass cheesy notes to each other. :D
Yeah. That kind of a relationship.
So as I said, I was 15. My boards just got over && I was going to go to Goa with some friends. AND MY MOM. & my friends mom. Yeah D:
But we were 15, so I guess it was okay.
I'm gonna spare you the tiny details cuz otherwise this would end up to be way too long. My memory surprises me when I realise how much I remember about this trip.
So we were going by train. You know when you're with your friends, you want everything to last longer. So we didn't choose to fly there. Anyway, so on the train we saw a group of guys. Some of them were really cute :P My friends & I giggled, called dibbs. Got over it :P
The next day we went sightseeing. I have NO idea why, but we did. & we got reaaallly bored. So the next day, my friend decided to stay back at the hotel. When we got back she told us she had 'run into' the guys from the train. & we were supposed to meet them on the beach at 6 o'clock[or something :3].
I guess we were excited that something was finally happening. All the sightseeing crap was driving us crazy. So we met on the beach. Shit happened. yadayadaya.
The guys came to our hotel in the night & we got drunk -.-
I think that was the first time I ever got drunk. Yep, positive. It was. I don't know what got over me, but I made out with this guy. [the one I called dibbs on yay ^_^]
Also my friend poured vodka on the other guys head, but that isn't very important.
So the next morning I wake up & realise what I did last night. Now being 15, I felt stupid :3 So I texted him saying how sorry I was & how stupid I felt. He replied with "wanna start over?" I swear I felt butterflies explode in my stomach.
So I was all cool & replied "sure :)" & he was like "I'll pick you up at 10."
Which to a 15 year old seemed VERY fairytale-ish.
So as planned, he did pick me. But as far as I remember, he was late. Not important though.
So we went to the beach. Sat for 5 hours. Just talking. I really don't about what. Life & school & people & movies & music & I don't even know, seriously. But safe to say it as probably the best date I've ever had :)
The next night we went to beach again. Talked for hours. Did other stuff apart from talking. Well yeah. It was nice.
Then we got back to Bombay. He lived in town. & I kept going to town & stuff for college admissions. So one day we just decided to meet. It wasn't that great. And we didn't see each other for 2 years after that. I guess after coming back from Goa, I was convinced I was in Love with him. I didn't get the concept of Summer Love. Or hooking up. Or what happens in Goa, stays in Goa. I was 15. Yes I am going to blame it all on being young & naive. I got over it though. Got into a pretty serious relationship & forgot all about Goa. It was still special. It was a good memory. Good times. But I realised that it wasn't, you know, something long term.
2 years later. He comes on facebook chat & goes "Nooooppuurr!!" & we haven't spoken in forever. So I'm like "types-name-backspace-backspace-I'd-rather-maintain-anonymity"So hes like I had a dream bout you & I have to meet you! & I'm like "That is not creepy at all. Okay lets meet :P" Notice the smiley. Its significant. He thinks I over-use it. -.-
Moving on. I had a board paper the next day & he was flying to Thailand. He delayed his flight until after meeting me :3 & I went to see him after school.
So we meet. & History repeats itself.
We get drunk. & we make out. & we dance. We danced in Goa too. But I guess that was more of him holding me up to keep me from falling. Anyway, he downloads the Harry Potter theme music to dance with me. & I guess that is reason enough to marry a guy. But this was different. It was, as I mentioned before, unexplainable.

So I guess I'll see him in another two years. Have the most wonderful time. Then meet again after two years.
I don't know what to call this. Cyclic hookup? I think not. Its not a hook-up. Its not some random guy I met at some club. Not now at least.
We're very different people. We like each others company. We like other too. But how we want to define what we have, we've not decided. But I guess its best to be left unsolved. Cuz in my opinion, its what keeps us interested.

Much Love<3
NJ.

The same person is mentioned in another post - Reminder. :)
http://heartyhippogriffs.blogspot.com/2011/05/reminder.html

To be liked.

I've often been told that I'm a bitch. That I'm cynical. Sadistic. Pessimistic. Spiteful. Irresponsible. Insecure. Dumb. Irrational. Unreasonable.
I didn't care. Its who I am. Take it or leave it.
I don't mean to be an evil person who isn't liked very much. I don't mean to hurt anybody. I don't see any personal gain in that.
But I don't know what I do wrong. What makes people dislike me. Do I try too hard to not be a drag? To be liked? Or show that I don't care at all because that is what is appreciated these days? I don't know.
I don't know where I go wrong. But I usually do. I wish I was chilled out. Patient. Didn't pay heed to what the world thought. & though I might pretend that I don't care. I do. Everyone does. & if they say they don't, they're lying.
Everyone feels the need to be liked. The need to fit in. The need to be popular. So do I.
Point is, I've come to realise that I do care what people say. & to all those people who are going to say "You're awesome. Don't change for people" blah blah. STFU. Because if I was awesome, I wouldn't have reason for this post. I wouldn't have people saying "Oh I heard shit bout you but you're not that bad." Because obviously some people dislike me. I must be doing something wrong. I just wish it was easier to figure what that was.
Often I hear "Oh but you're so pretty, of course he'll like you." But it my opinion being liked for the way you look is worse than not being liked at all. I mean its the genes you have. no contribution of your own. So all those people who take being 'hot' as the best compliment in the world, think again.


People say "If your set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time & you would achieve nothing." BULLSHIT, in my opinion.
I mean so you're all successful. You have all the wealth & fame in the world. But what good is it going to do if everyone you know hates you?


So Glee & High School Musical can go fly a kite cuz being 'yourself' only works on TV. In real life, 'you' are what people what to see. & they are what you wanna see. That is the way it goes. The hot guy will play hard to get even if he genuinely likes you. & the nerdy chick will drool over the hot guy cuz even though she thinks hes a tool. Its the way it works.


So, what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the need to be accepted. & to be loved. As for me, I'm just gonna go try to figure where I go wrong.

Much love<3
NJ.

Gah.

A question often asked, does God exist?
Well. I'm agnostic. he may exist. He may not. I don't see how it affects me. I haven't seen spirits or dinosaurs. I believe in them, I guess. Then why not believe in God?
Well, everyone says God is this noble, all-loving creature. & that he is boss of all. Everything is planned by him. Well, if everything in my life is planned by you Mr. I'm-so-awesome-call-me-God then you're a spiteful, sadistic, insecure little bitch.
I'm scared to get too happy. Cuz whenever I do, something bad always happens. & if you're the one who causes this then thanks for being so cruel.
I am just annoyed by everything going wrong in my life & I have no one to blame. Not even myself. Cuz it isn't my fault. Its just how things are :S
So I decide to blame you God dude. Yes, you fucked up & I have to suffer. So I'd appreciate it if you did something nice for me. For once >.<

Dante :)

Yes, everyone who knows me in person will think its retarded to do a post on him. But I haven't posted in forever & well, we had a very intense relationship for over 2 days -.-'

So. Sometimes you meet a person who doesn't impact your life in any way. You'll don't immediately get along. && you'll have absolutely nothing in common. But you see right through him. He puts up this strong, badass image. Or he shows you a softer emotional side. Anyway, you can tell that that is not who he really is. Its just a charade to get attention. To stand out, perhaps.
But as I said, you see right through them. You know that almost everything he is saying is bullshit. But you still happen it all cute. && you wait around for him to text you [whisper in this case]. Or to tell you he likes you. Even though you don't think very highly of this person, something about them attracts you. Makes you adore them. In a very unexplainable way.
I met this guy. He is apparently a free running ninja. Yes yes you can laugh. But he is adorable. & he is funny. & he is extremely selfless & nice. He is also a whore. Who dated 4 people in a span of 4 days but that is all accepted in the world where we met :)
SO this is to Dante. If you ever read this. You made me feel incredibly special for that one week :) Showing me all those secrets :) I remember when I first met you you were invisible [the smoke zombie but eh :/]. Ironic. You're an amazing amazing person & I love you :) Don't change. Imma see you next fall, ninja XD

Anyway.  This post is just to state that sometimes there isn't a reason you like somebody. You just do. & that is the most interesting & fascinating kinda feeling :)
- CandyXx singing out xD

NJ <3

Dear magical population, a new illness,caused by the death of Cedric Diggory called ‘sparkoloise’ very contagious. most noticeable symptom is the sparkling of the body. Please proceed to the St.Mungo's if sparkling is seen, for if it spread the person will be killed by force using ‘avada kedavra’ sincerely,ministry of magical diseases

Dear Siddhant Shah, There is nothing you can say or do that will make you less than my best friend. Love, me.

Reminder.

You know sometimes you feel very unlike yourself. Different. Act in ways you didn't act before. You tell yourself you have changed. That it is a part of growing up. But sometimes it just isn't. Sometimes it just so happens that you have forgotten who you used to be & how much you loved being that person.
I used to be what people call 'bubbly'. I use to be over-talkative & over-social & loud & all that. & then in the last couple of months I changed. Drastically. I stayed home. Watched FRIENDS & Bones & Glee & Gossip Girl && PLL & oh you get the point. I facebooked & omegle-d & tumblr-d & blogged. I had more of a life online than offline. I don't know what caused this change. What made me a depressed bundle of self pity but something did. & I could tell that people didn't like the change.
But I told myself that I don't live to please these people & I am who I am. I was wrong. My friends didn't walk away because I had changed. They still stuck by me. Loved me. But it was easy to tell that they missed the person I used to be.
& then sometimes, the smallest things remind you of what you were && what you should be. I blogged so much because writing always helped me to express myself better. Apparently, it didn't.
My best friend told me that I had lost my 'muchness'. It was a reference from Alice in Wonderland & I didn't quite get it back then. Now I do. I had lost the quality of me being me. The things that made me who I was. What made me stand out. He also said that I'm the most ordinary chick in the world. But that is what makes me special. That everyone else is trying to hard to be different that being ordinary is cool :P [I think you're rather smart, Sid :D]
I used to be impulsive & stupid & always getting into trouble & had cursed luck. So I started controlling myself. Thinking more, analyzing more, trying to abide by rules. Not making any mistakes. Not falling into trouble. That didn't really help. But being pessimistic was easier. I didn't have to deal with disappointment. I spent a lot of time thinking. That isn't always a good thing.
I was reminded a few days ago of who I used to be. How much fun it was to get into trouble & get out of it & not remember it the next day.
I had someone from the past come into my life. It was someone who had a major part in my life. I knew this person for 5 days. Or two years. I don't know. Its complicated. It isn't really. Its just something that goes with the flow. But then I'm dedicating a whole other post to that.
The point is that this person somehow convinced me that I deserve better than what I am giving myself. That I am an awesome person & I'm young & I shouldn't think so much & just be myself.
I think I just regained my muchness. Maybe it was the influence of this particular person. Maybe it was just time, I just want to say thank you, HZ :)

"The quarterlife experience is so often about losing your muchness. We lose direction, we lose passion, we lose focus, we lose sanity…but the best people are mad, you know. This version of Alice in Wonderland reminds us that sometimes we lose our muchness and that it often takes a journey to get it back."


You can tell Jesus, the bitch is back XD - My favorite, favorite quote from Gossip Girl :P

STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID

Have you ever felt completely helpless? Like nothing you do in your life is under your control. Your parents, your friends, circumstances decide what way your life will go. & no matter how hard you try to fight it there always seems like there is nothing you can do.
& then one day, just some small thing pushes you off the edge. & then you cry & cry. You cry for yourself, & for the people dying in Japan & for yourself & the kids starving in Africa & then you curl up into this bundle of self-pity & get consumed by depression.
That happens to me. & now with the board pressure & everything, I happens more often than usual.
I miss my mom more than ever. I hate my dad's girlfriend even though she is nothing but nice to me. I hate my face. I hate my dad. I hate my friends. I'm such a loathing cynical piece of shit.
It makes me sick. I make me sick. The way I act like a bitch. The way I procrastinate. The way I fuck things up.
& I realise what I'm doing. & I realise the consequences. But I'll still just sit here & not do anything to make things right.
This is just a pointless rant of me admitting to myself once again about how stupid I am >.<