Too close for comfort

As 90's kids, we were born into a world that was on the brink of the technological revolution. We were the generation that did go out and play and the only enemy was the 'idiot box'. The time before camera phones and Facebook. The visits to dingy cyber cafes, MSN, yahoo messenger and LimeWire.

It took over really fast. There have been revolutionary inventions in our time, it's undeniable. We are already in a world that is co-dependent on technology. Someone told me the other day that it is possible to print human cells. Can you believe that shit? Like fuck robots, we skipped that step. 

While technology is super helpful and necessary at this point, I feel like it is not all for the good.

Now hear me out, I know everyones like oooh snapchat selfies and #werkit #nofilter #blessed. But I remember when we were kids and we were terrified of calling our friends on their landlines. Or when we especially brought out our cameras on special occasions to be able to take pictures. Or when cameras had films!! (don't miss that one tho)

So anyway, the simpler time was not too far ago. And we literally grew up with the World Wide Web, growing as it grew. 

Now I'd be lying if I said the Internet isn't most of my life. It has been for a long time. I'm an OG, I've been here forever. I have seen websites rise and fall. I've cribbed about various Facebook/ Tumblr updates that were unholy. I've watched and lived innumerable memes. I use abbreviations when I speak. 'tbh' that annoys my friends. I've received anon hate and love, made friends, fallen in love, and most importantly experienced the joy that is live blogging. 

The point tho, is that 5 years ago the Internet was a cute tiny space where not everyone was active and not every free space was covered with ads. 

I don't like where the Internet is currently. I liked it when it was just us. The 90's kids. Because old people didn't completely know how to use a computer. And the Kylie Jenner generation was not born yet. 

There are SO MANY websites, blogs, apps, channels, pages, accounts that one can't honestly be expected to keep up all the time. Like I don't have enough hours in my day.

I liked the Internet when I could decide what I could do on it you know. People didn't need to know I was online. You could be low key there. Now when people message you they know if you received their message, read it, what time you read it, what time you were last active at, what time you were last online at, if you have any activity on any other social media outlet which would prove that you're ignoring them. 

People are getting clingy and there is no way to turn it off. 

Everyone has an average of like 500 friends on Facebook. Now if you speak to even like 10% of them actively that is 50 people. Being able to contact you all the time. Maybe I'm just an introvert but I can't handle that much social activity. I also can't handle small talk, which there is a lot of on the Internet. 

10 years ago, I don't think people went out this much. They couldn't constantly keep in touch like we can. They didn't feel the need to take pictures of daily things and post them all over the place. 

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with people wanting to capture their life and share it with their friends and family. 

But when do we stop?

Whatever happened to the concept of personal space?

And are we are a society acting differently because we are constantly under the public eye, even if it's just online? Did people always live like this? Is it healthy? To constantly be exposed to the highlight reel of everyones life (famous and not) and compare it your behind-the-scenes?

Social media is such a powerful tool. I can't express how powerful, it gives us a voice, it gives us access to great things happening around the world, it gives us the power to communicate with anyone anywhere about anything, it raises awareness, educates us about the realities of the world we live in. It is a democracy in most ways. You can do whatever you want and all you need is internet access.

The perks probably outweigh my concerns. And I'm not in any way against social media. I just think we as people are becoming shallow and pretentious and I think social media might have a lot to do with it.

Also, I feel like everyone in our generation has ADHD because we are bombarded with so much information, it is hard to stay focused. That can't be good.
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byeeee

Moment of the day

It's so funny that I keep giving myself excuses for not writing when honestly I'm just a really fucking lazy person. Like it's a disease. Maybe it's just pot but lets not go there.
The point is that when inspiration strikes you can't deny it.
So today I was coming home from work. I was at the InOrbit signal and this beggar kid was forcing me to buy funeral flowers and I really didn't want to. I do have sympathy for every poor kid in India, . I do what I can, when I can. But shit is shady I don't wanna be secretly funding some kid abducting agency or wtv. SO ANYWAY. The signal was red and they've put this new street light on the inorbit side road it's really bright. And there's guys there who also sell bubble makers. Not even the cheap film-roll-box ones anymore, they have intense stuff. And you know how it is, when stock comes there's like 5 of them selling the same thing. So there's like 5 bubble people, at the stopped signal, blowing bubbles in the traffic and it was so surreal. Picture this okay. Annoying traffic, need to pee, wanna get home. And suddenly from everywhere there's just bubbles dancing around. Rising, then descending. The light hitting them and seeing the spectrum in the soap.
Like it felt like a Disney movie, only this is Malad. But I got the feels, it was really beautiful and I wish you all could see it. It was cool.
Alright thats it, lets hope this happens more often. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

“You have to die a few times before you can really live.” — Charles Bukowski

this is fucken real i cant even

Breathe in, Breathe out

It's been a while since I've written here. I want you to know it's not for the lack of fucks I give. Because generally in life I seem to not give a fuck, but if there is anything I do care about, it's writing. I just haven't been brave enough to try this for a while. Which I don't understand because as soon as I start, words just flow.
I guess it had more to do with my state of being than with my skills as a writer. This is a personal blog, I speak my mind here. But my mind has been so all over the place in the recent past. You might notice the title of my blog changed from "Unravel the fickle mind" to what it is currently. And that is because I've recently been trying to accept myself for who I am. For that is of utmost importance.
This blog started as the rantings of a typical teen drama queen. And I'm none of those things anymore. I'm not your relatable-high-school-musical-girl-next-door. I'm not sure who I am anymore. It's funny how I thought I'd have my life figured out by now but I'm just growing more confused with each passing day.
For one, I can't grasp my head around the concept of time. It's been 6 years since I finished 10th grade. It's been 4 years since I turned 18. My friends went to college and graduated and came back. 2000 is as far away is 2030. And nothing from The Jetsons is real yet. And I'm vaguely disappointed in the state of the world.
But I've also come to terms with the fact that this is life. This is the world we live in. The only place that can (to our knowledge) sustain human life. So, I mean, we don't really got any options here.
We're stuck in his corrupt and capitalist world to struggle to find happiness. And I don't care about what they say, money can buy happiness.
But to get money you need a job and to get a job you need ambition and for ambition you need to give some fucks which brings us back to where I started.
I realize that I really have to start caring. And try.
For starters, I'm going to write more. Who cares if it's trash? I like how it feels.

The Slump

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. It's been a while since I've written at all. I have drafts with three sentences that barely string together, and no will to go on.
My blog has always been the place where I have been completely transparent. It's my life, the behind-the-scenes. But recently, I've been struggling. How do I write my thoughts when I don't even know myself? When I feel like an incompetent pile of shit?
Some of my friends have urged me to write. Something, anything. They know it's always helped me. I don't know what I'm thinking until I write it down. Words just used to flow. But it's been hard.
Until very recently, I was a teenager with no care in the world. I had bad days, but I was a happy person. But the only thing that is constant is change.
I was in a place in my life where I was inspired and hopeful and aspiring to become the best version of myself. And then it was like, I was not-very-neatly cut out of my dream world, and stuck back into the very place I detested. And I hated everything.
I tried not to. I tried to be positive. To read and write and work. We're humans, we're adaptable. And I was lacking in that basic quality.
I have no problem with all things new. Some people are anxious about change. Not me, I welcome it. It's the old that I struggle with. To maintain. The intolerable concept of routine. The same old places and people and things bore me. I absolutely hate being bored.
And I know better. I know this is how life is going to be. It's not easy. And you're not always going to get what you want. And no matter where you are, it will always seem like the grass is greener on the other side. But what I know and what I feel are two completely different things. I feel pathetic for trying to be happy. For laughing at jokes that aren't really making me laugh, or finishing books even though they don't interest me.
But I know better. I know what I want and I know how to get there and I'm thinking about it all the time. I'm thinking about it all the time, while lying in bed eating chip and dip and watching Project Runway. And that's been my life for the major part of the past year.
But I'm tired of wasting my life away. I know I'm actually pretty cool and the world is lucky to have me. There must be a reason we're here today and I want to make the most of it.
I don't want to be unhappy and bitter. And I don't want to project my insecurities onto other people.
I want to start living again.
So hopefully here's to a new beginning.

Bloom where you're planted. 

how can one be happy in such a sinister world

my life is a joke and im not laughing anymore

if I had gone to Disneyland, I wouldn't be having this problem

So I saw this sponsored ad on facebook for a travel writing internship. And all this while I've been whining about how I wanna travel and write so I was like wow perfect this is it destiny is calling. Well, the deadline is in 10 (now probably, 9) hours and here I am writing a blog post about how I have a block and how everything that I write is shit.
I thought I'd write about Czech. I went to Europe, I got lost, I drank a lot of beer, I made a lot of friends, I went bowling a lot, and I watched a Rachel McAdams movie alone in the theatre with Czech subtitles. But I mean sure I get can 2500 characters (including spaces!!) of decent material from my one month there. Or what about California? Shit ALWAYS goes down in California, how did nothing interesting happen there? There was fight around the block once, drunk kids throwing beer bottles at each other. the cops came and everything. That's about the most dramatic thing that happened. I even went to LA. Where I ate thanksgiving dinner at McDonalds cuz everything was shut.
im just not capable of fucken positivity right now what the fuck

Dobre

I know all you TFIOS fans might hate this post but I really dislike the word okay. It is too ambiguous. There's good and there's bad. Okay defines the grey area that you can never quite decipher.  Okay almost has as much versatility as the word 'Fuck'. It's okay never really means it's okay. And can we talk about okay being the biggest conversation killer of all time?

That's one thing I like about Czech. They have dobre which means good. They use it as a synonym for okay but even when being sarcastically used the word doesn't cause too much trouble. Okay is too mediocre a word. It isn't very expressive but it's widely used. I want to do away with okay. Fairly impossible dreams.

when i was breaking down all i wanted was for you to hold me. but you kept screaming back. 

at least it's a beautiful place to be sad

The Clique

Often, I can't help but wonder what the bare base of a friendship consists of. Are your friends the people who you choose to be friends with or are they the people you're stuck with due to of the irony of circumstance?

Everyone sometimes feels like they have the best friends in the world. Everyone sometimes also feels like they have no friends at all.

Friendship is an odd concept. Personally, my friendship group is quite a diverse field of individuals. Their differences range from the basic race, color, age, nationality and gender to more complex things. The 'level' you talk about when you say "she's on another level, man."

Where is the checklist of qualities you need in a friend? What is the similarity among these people that causes you to, as more popularly known, 'click' with them. What is this click one speaks of? Where does it come from? Is it the mind or the body or the environment that ignites the craving to be around these people. Or forces you into it and you're left with no choice. 

Is there people you need in your life? Are there people who need you in theirs? However briefly you might appear and however inconsequential you may think that appearance was, "our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch."

Is this bond too complex to be able to completely grasp unless you're Buddha or some shit?

Is it to brave to question it? Keeping in mind that curiosity did kill the cat. And those curious bitches always die in the scary movies.

Maybe you should pay a little more attention and figure out the mechanical functioning of this click. Maybe some things are unexplainable by science and we should just leave them be. Overthinking rarely ever helps. But it's the curse of being a blogger. Analyzing life like its a game. Trying to master the quirks of living a fulfilling life. A life that's mere existence depends largely on this 'click.'

Don't drag your feet

So remember as a kid your parents told you not to drag your feet and walk properly when you were gliding through the mall? Well I remembered that and was having a deep insightful awakening, but I'll get to that in just a minute.

I did some research to find out why we shouldn't drag our feet and there were two related reasons that I found. One is that if you're dragging your feet you might have some sort of muscle issue and your parents need to know whether you're dragging your feet by choice or because something is wrong. The second is that when you're young your muscles need exercise they're and new and dandy and need to go through some wear and tear and during that period if you don't move them enough then it won't be able to take it when you're older. That's why old people drag their feet muscles giving up. 

Personally I don't see anything in dragging ones feet on all draggable surfaces.

Getting to the spiritual bit of it. If there is one piece of advice I can give to you is don drag your feet. Always lift them up and put them down. And do that with everything you do and life will be a lot easier. You don't have to worry about the past catching up to you if you have no loose ends in your past. Don't ignore that friend you called you 6 times that day and then miss them the next week and expect them to be there. Don't not turn in assignments hoping the teacher won't notice. Don't procrastinate. And if you do, know where to draw the line. You get one life and there's not enough time to keep slacking off.

My skin hates me

I've never been one of those people with flawless skin. I've always struggled with acne. But I always thought it was puberty and that I'll be fine. It isn't so bad now but my skin isn't even close to being my best asset.
A couple months ago, when I was in the US, my skin started flaking. Ordinarily, I wouldn't even notice something wrong with my skin unless it was either strikingly evident or irritating. This was both. I dealt with chronic itching and wanted to bathe 4 times a day. Which was very hard considering I had roommates. I went to the school health centre and they diagnosed it as  pityriasis rosea. They said it was an allergy to the Spring weather. I was given something to bathe with everyday and it was supposed to help. It didn't.
I came back and went to see a dermatologist and he diagnosed it as psoriasis. If you don't know what it is and are going to google it, be warned, it isn't pretty. I feel slightly fortunate when I check it on the internet because my skin isn't THAT bad. But it is pretty goddamn awful. I have skin flaking on my legs, on my back, on my torso, on my hands, even my scalp. People usually have one of these regions affected. Everytime I run my fingers through my hair, flakes fall off like a fucking snowstorm. The medicine is sticky and needs to be applied on all the affected areas twice a day. It takes about 20 minutes to put on and then dealing with being sticky all the time. And if I miss one day of medication, it gets worse again.
The waxing lady refused to wax me, I haven't worn shorts in 4 months, everything I clean is covered in dust that is actually my flaked skin the next morning. I feel ugly.
Psoriasis is a lifelong condition which can be controlled but has no cure. It is genetically transferred but is brought on due to stress.
My skin feels gross. I hate my body right now. 

Karma

Today I needed to take a rickshaw for a very short distance. Usually, I'd walk, but the muck. That rhymed. A little.

Anyway, so I told the rickshaw guy to go to D Mart and I live like 2 buildings away from D Mart. Actually, like one. I like to use the word 'like' everywhere like a standard American. Anyway, so the rick guy was a little douchebag because he firstly tried to get me off at Infinity 2, which is like before D Mart cuz he'd get other customers there and I was like nopE so he went till D Mart and I'm like "thoda aagey" and he took it literally thoda aagey and parked. I was in the good mood so I didn't bother arguing and just got off. Walking is good exercise anyway. And I take revenge by not giving the rickshaw wallas exact change. Karma. So he scuttled around for change and someone asked him to go to the Check Naka. Which is the north end of Bombay. And this new customer seemed like a total ass. He's all "Direct check naka bhaga ab." And I could see the agony on my rickshaw guys face.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you

In that moment, possibly because I was Under The Influence, I noticed Karma. He was a dick to me, now he had to deal with someone else being a dick. And that someone else probably has a wife who beats him. I realized that even in the smallest forms, there is balance in the world. Maybe it's not very well balanced. Maybe it is. If you took a persons every act and compared it the good and bad they received from the world, you'd probably break even. Maybe you can try it by doing a lot of good and seeing what happens. Or doing a lot of bad, if you're into that shit. Trust the world a little. It's been around for a long time and knows what it's doing. It isn't your job to save it. That doesn't mean you don't care or try. But don't be so hard on yourself. Let go and let karma take care of things that are hurting you.

"No matter how good things are, there will always be solitary nights you spend in your bedroom or car or in a party full of your closest friends when it feels like the walls are caving in." - Dan Campbell