The Slump

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. It's been a while since I've written at all. I have drafts with three sentences that barely string together, and no will to go on.
My blog has always been the place where I have been completely transparent. It's my life, the behind-the-scenes. But recently, I've been struggling. How do I write my thoughts when I don't even know myself? When I feel like an incompetent pile of shit?
Some of my friends have urged me to write. Something, anything. They know it's always helped me. I don't know what I'm thinking until I write it down. Words just used to flow. But it's been hard.
Until very recently, I was a teenager with no care in the world. I had bad days, but I was a happy person. But the only thing that is constant is change.
I was in a place in my life where I was inspired and hopeful and aspiring to become the best version of myself. And then it was like, I was not-very-neatly cut out of my dream world, and stuck back into the very place I detested. And I hated everything.
I tried not to. I tried to be positive. To read and write and work. We're humans, we're adaptable. And I was lacking in that basic quality.
I have no problem with all things new. Some people are anxious about change. Not me, I welcome it. It's the old that I struggle with. To maintain. The intolerable concept of routine. The same old places and people and things bore me. I absolutely hate being bored.
And I know better. I know this is how life is going to be. It's not easy. And you're not always going to get what you want. And no matter where you are, it will always seem like the grass is greener on the other side. But what I know and what I feel are two completely different things. I feel pathetic for trying to be happy. For laughing at jokes that aren't really making me laugh, or finishing books even though they don't interest me.
But I know better. I know what I want and I know how to get there and I'm thinking about it all the time. I'm thinking about it all the time, while lying in bed eating chip and dip and watching Project Runway. And that's been my life for the major part of the past year.
But I'm tired of wasting my life away. I know I'm actually pretty cool and the world is lucky to have me. There must be a reason we're here today and I want to make the most of it.
I don't want to be unhappy and bitter. And I don't want to project my insecurities onto other people.
I want to start living again.
So hopefully here's to a new beginning.

Bloom where you're planted. 

how can one be happy in such a sinister world

my life is a joke and im not laughing anymore

if I had gone to Disneyland, I wouldn't be having this problem

So I saw this sponsored ad on facebook for a travel writing internship. And all this while I've been whining about how I wanna travel and write so I was like wow perfect this is it destiny is calling. Well, the deadline is in 10 (now probably, 9) hours and here I am writing a blog post about how I have a block and how everything that I write is shit.
I thought I'd write about Czech. I went to Europe, I got lost, I drank a lot of beer, I made a lot of friends, I went bowling a lot, and I watched a Rachel McAdams movie alone in the theatre with Czech subtitles. But I mean sure I get can 2500 characters (including spaces!!) of decent material from my one month there. Or what about California? Shit ALWAYS goes down in California, how did nothing interesting happen there? There was fight around the block once, drunk kids throwing beer bottles at each other. the cops came and everything. That's about the most dramatic thing that happened. I even went to LA. Where I ate thanksgiving dinner at McDonalds cuz everything was shut.
im just not capable of fucken positivity right now what the fuck

Dobre

I know all you TFIOS fans might hate this post but I really dislike the word okay. It is too ambiguous. There's good and there's bad. Okay defines the grey area that you can never quite decipher.  Okay almost has as much versatility as the word 'Fuck'. It's okay never really means it's okay. And can we talk about okay being the biggest conversation killer of all time?

That's one thing I like about Czech. They have dobre which means good. They use it as a synonym for okay but even when being sarcastically used the word doesn't cause too much trouble. Okay is too mediocre a word. It isn't very expressive but it's widely used. I want to do away with okay. Fairly impossible dreams.

when i was breaking down all i wanted was for you to hold me. but you kept screaming back. 

at least it's a beautiful place to be sad

The Clique

Often, I can't help but wonder what the bare base of a friendship consists of. Are your friends the people who you choose to be friends with or are they the people you're stuck with due to of the irony of circumstance?

Everyone sometimes feels like they have the best friends in the world. Everyone sometimes also feels like they have no friends at all.

Friendship is an odd concept. Personally, my friendship group is quite a diverse field of individuals. Their differences range from the basic race, color, age, nationality and gender to more complex things. The 'level' you talk about when you say "she's on another level, man."

Where is the checklist of qualities you need in a friend? What is the similarity among these people that causes you to, as more popularly known, 'click' with them. What is this click one speaks of? Where does it come from? Is it the mind or the body or the environment that ignites the craving to be around these people. Or forces you into it and you're left with no choice. 

Is there people you need in your life? Are there people who need you in theirs? However briefly you might appear and however inconsequential you may think that appearance was, "our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch."

Is this bond too complex to be able to completely grasp unless you're Buddha or some shit?

Is it to brave to question it? Keeping in mind that curiosity did kill the cat. And those curious bitches always die in the scary movies.

Maybe you should pay a little more attention and figure out the mechanical functioning of this click. Maybe some things are unexplainable by science and we should just leave them be. Overthinking rarely ever helps. But it's the curse of being a blogger. Analyzing life like its a game. Trying to master the quirks of living a fulfilling life. A life that's mere existence depends largely on this 'click.'

Don't drag your feet

So remember as a kid your parents told you not to drag your feet and walk properly when you were gliding through the mall? Well I remembered that and was having a deep insightful awakening, but I'll get to that in just a minute.

I did some research to find out why we shouldn't drag our feet and there were two related reasons that I found. One is that if you're dragging your feet you might have some sort of muscle issue and your parents need to know whether you're dragging your feet by choice or because something is wrong. The second is that when you're young your muscles need exercise they're and new and dandy and need to go through some wear and tear and during that period if you don't move them enough then it won't be able to take it when you're older. That's why old people drag their feet muscles giving up. 

Personally I don't see anything in dragging ones feet on all draggable surfaces.

Getting to the spiritual bit of it. If there is one piece of advice I can give to you is don drag your feet. Always lift them up and put them down. And do that with everything you do and life will be a lot easier. You don't have to worry about the past catching up to you if you have no loose ends in your past. Don't ignore that friend you called you 6 times that day and then miss them the next week and expect them to be there. Don't not turn in assignments hoping the teacher won't notice. Don't procrastinate. And if you do, know where to draw the line. You get one life and there's not enough time to keep slacking off.

My skin hates me

I've never been one of those people with flawless skin. I've always struggled with acne. But I always thought it was puberty and that I'll be fine. It isn't so bad now but my skin isn't even close to being my best asset.
A couple months ago, when I was in the US, my skin started flaking. Ordinarily, I wouldn't even notice something wrong with my skin unless it was either strikingly evident or irritating. This was both. I dealt with chronic itching and wanted to bathe 4 times a day. Which was very hard considering I had roommates. I went to the school health centre and they diagnosed it as  pityriasis rosea. They said it was an allergy to the Spring weather. I was given something to bathe with everyday and it was supposed to help. It didn't.
I came back and went to see a dermatologist and he diagnosed it as psoriasis. If you don't know what it is and are going to google it, be warned, it isn't pretty. I feel slightly fortunate when I check it on the internet because my skin isn't THAT bad. But it is pretty goddamn awful. I have skin flaking on my legs, on my back, on my torso, on my hands, even my scalp. People usually have one of these regions affected. Everytime I run my fingers through my hair, flakes fall off like a fucking snowstorm. The medicine is sticky and needs to be applied on all the affected areas twice a day. It takes about 20 minutes to put on and then dealing with being sticky all the time. And if I miss one day of medication, it gets worse again.
The waxing lady refused to wax me, I haven't worn shorts in 4 months, everything I clean is covered in dust that is actually my flaked skin the next morning. I feel ugly.
Psoriasis is a lifelong condition which can be controlled but has no cure. It is genetically transferred but is brought on due to stress.
My skin feels gross. I hate my body right now. 

Karma

Today I needed to take a rickshaw for a very short distance. Usually, I'd walk, but the muck. That rhymed. A little.

Anyway, so I told the rickshaw guy to go to D Mart and I live like 2 buildings away from D Mart. Actually, like one. I like to use the word 'like' everywhere like a standard American. Anyway, so the rick guy was a little douchebag because he firstly tried to get me off at Infinity 2, which is like before D Mart cuz he'd get other customers there and I was like nopE so he went till D Mart and I'm like "thoda aagey" and he took it literally thoda aagey and parked. I was in the good mood so I didn't bother arguing and just got off. Walking is good exercise anyway. And I take revenge by not giving the rickshaw wallas exact change. Karma. So he scuttled around for change and someone asked him to go to the Check Naka. Which is the north end of Bombay. And this new customer seemed like a total ass. He's all "Direct check naka bhaga ab." And I could see the agony on my rickshaw guys face.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you

In that moment, possibly because I was Under The Influence, I noticed Karma. He was a dick to me, now he had to deal with someone else being a dick. And that someone else probably has a wife who beats him. I realized that even in the smallest forms, there is balance in the world. Maybe it's not very well balanced. Maybe it is. If you took a persons every act and compared it the good and bad they received from the world, you'd probably break even. Maybe you can try it by doing a lot of good and seeing what happens. Or doing a lot of bad, if you're into that shit. Trust the world a little. It's been around for a long time and knows what it's doing. It isn't your job to save it. That doesn't mean you don't care or try. But don't be so hard on yourself. Let go and let karma take care of things that are hurting you.

"No matter how good things are, there will always be solitary nights you spend in your bedroom or car or in a party full of your closest friends when it feels like the walls are caving in." - Dan Campbell

Rain

I was in the rickshaw today and it was raining. I don't mind the rain as long as I'm indoors, warm and comfortable. I don't want to deal with the muck or the traffic or just being wet in general. So I was sitting there updating a bitchy bbm status and I saw these kids on the side of the street, just chilling. They were drenched. They weren't like dancing in the rain like a bollywood movie. Just standing, probably waiting for someone. But they didn't look particularly sad.
And then my rickshaw guy broke my spiritual brainstorming and started explaining the perks of taking the backroad.
I told him to do whatever he likes because even though I respect the kids for not hating the rain, I wasn't particularly pleased with the weather.
Then I saw this man, cleaning some kind of cloth in a puddle. On the street. For cleaning. And I remembered how I just told my dad we should probably buy a new washing machine. And hopefully a dryer cuz the rain.
Then I saw some woman making plastic doors for her house on the pavement.

It's unfair to say you can't be sad because someone else has it worse. I know it's as redundant as saying you can't be happy because someone has it better.
But I guess that's where perception comes to play. The way I look at children in the rain or what I think about a tumblr quote might be completely different from how my best friend sees it.
I just think that seeing things like that makes you humble, and grateful, and appreciative. It doesn't mean that you have to force yourself to be happy. Or to like the rain.

Moment of the day I guess

So I had a really long day today and it was pretty crappy cuz I really don't like the muck and traffic and wetness that rain brings. I like it when I'm indoors. When I can hear it outside. And feel grateful for warmth and lack of moisture.
So I was home and I was stalking my girlfriend's blog and I saw some posts and I knew they were about me. I mean she claims to be in love with me, we're in a legitimate relationship. It isn't likely she is reblogging cheesy posts with someone else in mind. So yes, I saw posts. And it just made me so happy that I get an insight into how she feels about me through mass produced text posts cuz she isn't much of a talker. Plus tumblr describes a lot of stuff very beautifully. And then I reblogged stuff form her blog. Which is cool because it shows how we have the same kinda feels for each other and I'm just really happy. So yay. 

For the first time, the tears won't come as easily. And I find myself begging to feel the pain.

it's funny how certain things trigger memories. like, songs, smells, stuff like that. some make you sad and some capture you in a momentary deja vu. you can just close your eyes and you are then captured in the past.

Mending things

So today something spilled on my dressing table. Being the want-to-pee-but-too-lazy-to-move person that I am, I left the cleaning up to evaporation. A couple of hours later it still hadn't dried up. Turns out it was soap water from the bubble maker we won at Timezone the other day. So well, I decided to clean up. And I grabbed some toilet paper from my bathroom and started soaking it up. Then I felt slightly guilty for using paper because it would hurt the environment. Then I figured the alternative would be cloth. I find rags used for cleaning repulsively disgusting. I feel like if it was used to clean up a mess, it is infiltrated and should be thrown away. Then that obviously led to my deeper spiritual awakening where I realised that I do this all the time. When something is broken, I don't try to fix it. I try to throw it away. Or worse, let it stay broken right there. And it just causes me to find one more reason to end this pity party I'm throwing for myself. Maybe life is hard. Maybe it isn't hard for everyone, or maybe it is. Everyone is fighting their own battle and all that. But I can't sit here blaming circumstance and the mistakes I made in the past to hold from doing shit now. Like I'm so sick of giving excuses for myself, I need to stop disappointing myself. And then maybe I will stop disappointing everyone around me.  

I'm too young to be this tired