Friendship.

So there is this girl. We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember. My dad dated her mom back when they were teenagers. We grew up like 2 minutes away from each other. I was at her parents wedding. Then she came along. She is 2 years younger than me. We did everything together. School, dance class, art class, parties, sleepovers. Everything. Then my house caught fire and I had to move out. Then we didn’t feel like moving back into the same house. Too many memories destroyed by fire. So I moved away. Went to a new school. Got new friends. Had a new life. She did too. But we were still always there for each other. I went back to my old neighborhood on every holiday. Holi, Diwali, Ganesh Chaturti, Navratri. And I didn’t see her very often but when things went bad with our new lives, we looked for each other. Always there for each other. Making the bad parts easier. It has been that way for like 10 years now. We grew distant, but we were still always there for each other. Through my parents divorce. Through her grandmoms death. Everytime. 

So recently, she started dating my exes younger brother. I had ended things with my  ex quite badly but that was two years ago and we both cool with it now. We were friends. But my exes girlfriend didn’t approve of that. She didn’t allow him to speak to me. And I knew that if I wanted to get back with him, it would a piece of cake. So I understood why she was insecure. I didn’t question it. I backed off. I didn’t want him, so I didn’t spoil whatever he had with his girlfriend. So one day, I was at dinner with the above mentioned friend, lets call her CeeCee. And CeeCee’s boyfriend was there too. And I was messing with his phone cuz I was bored. And since everyone here owns a Blackberry, BBM is what we mess with. So I sent random messages to a lot of people. Unfortunately, including his brother. After we got home, the girlfriend texted CeeCee asking her to ask me to back off and stay away and all that. And I was like, god woman control your insecurities. I was just messing around. But she is literally too dumb to function, so she went ahead and threatened me. That she wouldn’t spare me if I spoke to her guy again. Now, I was trying to be nice. But she was just constantly provoking me and I couldn’t help but tell her how stupid I thought she was and stuff. So we ended up arguing for over 2 hours. She is like immune to sarcasm and frustratingly idiotic so I gave up. Then my exes best friend, who also happens to be best friends with the girlfriend made a few snide remarks about me but I literally wasn’t bothered to say anything. So I just didn’t. I let it go and it was all dead.
Recently, because of her boyfriend, CeeCee has become really close friends with this bitch of a girlfriend and the best friend. She has them in her pictures and status’ and shit. But I couldn’t tell her that it hurt me that my oldest best friend would be all chummy with people who talk crap about me all the time, but I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t exactly tell her who to be friends with and who not to. But she is one of the people I expected to stand up for me. But thats not the kinda you ask for. Its just what you expect. Yesterday CeeCee came to me and told me that I don’t have time for her anymore. That I neglect her. And that I haven’t been there for her. And I was like I’m sorry you were too busy fraternizing with the enemy :/ So we met for lunch today and I told her why I was hurt and she told me she understood and that it was her fault that she didn’t realise how it would affect me. And she apologized. And I forgive her. We’ve been friends for too long to let this come between us. But what now? She is still going to be friends with them. They’re still going to hate me. My safe place doesn’t seem so safe anymore. And she expects everything to go back to normal. She is asking me what she can do to make it okay. And I really don’t know what to say. Our friendship was supposed to be the only thing there when everything else gets hard. And now our friendship is what is so complicated. I really don’t know what to do. And I can see how sorry she is and how she doesn’t wanna loose me and I don’t want to loose her either. Maybe we’re just not 10 years old watching Disney movies together anymore. That times have changed. And so have we. Why is it all so hard to accept?

Insecurities.

I have just come to realise how very insecure I am. About who I am. I constantly feel like I'm not pretty enough. Or not funny enough. Or not smart enough. I try to hide it behind my layer of sarcasm & bitchiness because I think its better acting like I don't care than trying & sucking at everything. Ever since I was a kid, I was in a very protected environment. Not protected as in conservative, but I went to school with like very little population. I made friends easily but in a particular group or place. I never had to go out of my comfort zone. But I'm older now, I have to go out. Make a way for myself. & I feel like I'm constantly under pressure for being the best. At at least something. Because thats how it used to be. In a school with like 40 kids in my batch, it was easy to be noticed. To be good at something. To stand out. I was used to that. Being noticed. And now suddenly, there are so many people who are so good at everything and I feel like I just can't find a place to fit in. I push my friends away. Because they are more sure of themselves than I am. Because they have it easy. They don't have to deal with half the things I've had to. They're better than me. I hate them. Because I'm jealous. Then I hate myself for hating people who care about me and who can't help it if I have a harder life than them. Sometimes I don't let people in because I'm scared. Scared they'll see what a wreck I am. Or how imperfect I am. Or worse, that they'll walk away. Thats why I clinged on to Dev for so long. Because he never walked away. It took my two years to realise that he had to be there first, in order to attempt to walk away. He was never here.
So, I'm now aware. Of how insecure and scared I am. But I still don't know what to do about it. How to stop putting up a strong front for the world to see. Just be happy with my imperfections. Try to be a better person. Somehow, things never seem to work out for me. And everytime I think that I feel pathetic because of all the self-pity. Then I think about it. And think some more. And get completely muddled in my thoughts and can't make sense of anything.
So I guess I'm a work in progress. I'll get there. I need to give myself time. Not try so hard. Maybe for a while, I should just be happy... Easier said than done, though.

Mindsets.

Recently, I've across a stupid thing that people believe in. "Thing that people believe in", I don't even know what to call it. If its a mindset or a stereotype or a need to conform.
Anyway, I've come across people deciding whether they wanna be pretty or nice. Like good looking people cannot be nice. I'm not saying they're necessarily mean, but they have something that makes them feel more confident about themselves, their appearance. And that is a good thing. Being confident. But they feel like they're greater than the others. That they don't have to be nice to people because they're pretty. And no one is going to hate someone good looking. Their looks pave the way for them. And that is true. But that doesn't give them the liberty to be horrible to other people. Or to bully them about how they look and how much they weigh and what they wear.
And I see people who think they're "ugly" conform. If you tell someone they're ugly they go like "at least I'm a nice person." or "At least I'm funny." & I don't understand how any of these make up for another. That is okay for pretty girls to be mean or to be stupid. Being pretty just does everything for them. And that girls who are funny and who don't care about how they wear their hair or how much they weigh are "ugly" but should be satisfied with their humor.
I just want to put it out there that there is to more to a person than just being smart or funny or hot or ugly. And just being even one of these things does not allow you to be mean to someone who isn't so.
Well, this rant was basically because when you spend as much time on the internet as I do, you come to realise about the effects of teen bullying. In India, I haven't seen any steps taken to spread awareness. To support teenagers. Who think they're not good enough. You suffer from anorexia or bulimia. Or cut. Or are homosexual. And I would really like to take some initiative to change that. To change the attention given to the youth of India today. And I thought, what better place to start than my blog?

So yeah. Thats about it. If you want to join the fight against teen bullying, just message me somewhere. Because I really wanna make a difference. I see 14 year olds on the internet putting suicide vlogs on youtube everyday and its very disturbing. if you're struggling with bullying and have no one to talk to, please feel free to message me. There is ALWAYS someone who cares and is willing to listen. Kthnx (:

P.S : The video is of Jamey Rodemeyer. A 14 year old who took his life because he was bullied when people found out he was homosexual. He was 14. You may have heard about him cuz of Lady Gaga :3

Making the right choice.

Okay so you know sometimes you read novels where something utterly stupid happens but the author/character derives a deep significant meaning from it & you're like WTF? Where did this come from? But it just does :3
Yeah. That just happened to me. So this is going to sound completely stupid. But guess what? This is my blog :d & I'm allowed to sound completely stupid :D
So. I have this cutlery holder. Its just this cup like thing on my dining table where we keep all the forks & spoons. So I made myself Maggi & I was going to get me a fork. So I have like a bunch of forks that are new & look alike. & then there are these few odd forks from here & there. So I probably have like 10 of the new cool forks. & 4 of the old odd forks & somehow, every time I randomly pick up a fork its an old fork. Which in my opinion, is quite against the rules of probability.  So today when I picked up an old fork I was like "Why do I always get the odd fork? >.<"
& then I realised, maybe if I wasn't trying so hard to get a cool fork. Or if I wasn't bothered what motherfucking fork it was & just eat my food I wouldn't be so troubled.
So what the deep insightful meaning was was that Stop trying to look for things. For perfection. Let things happen to you. Trust yourself. Your choices. & decisions. & make mistakes. Pick the wrong fork every once in a while. & don't care about what motherfucking fork it is & enjoy your meal ^_^
K. Gotta go eat my maggi! Bye :*

Done.

Well, a lot of my posts are about growing up & letting go of people.
Today I realised, I've let go of almost everyone. Every single person I used to call my 'best friend' two years ago is gone. With the exception of a few. I'd say 'with the exception of the few who will always remain'. But with everyone I've lost, I don't think I can say that.
& a few people, I can reason why I lost. Their girlfriend didn't approve of me. Or the only thing that kept us together changed. It may not make sense or seem like reason enough but at least its there. But some people, I really can't figure what went wrong. What I did. That made them cut me off.
& it makes me feel terrible about myself. People who called me their best friend don't bother to call for months. Don't bother to even make it to my 18th birthday.
& I'm usually the insensitive bitch. People presume that it won't make a difference to me. & that I'm strong. I'll get over it. & that I have enough people in my life to miss those few who go away. Truth is, I don't.
And I'm tired. Of fighting for everything in life.
Of losing people who promised they'd never ever leave.
It makes me sick. How easily priorities change. That has made me realise that I should really appreciate the ones who haven't.
Another meaningless rant. Gah :3

I wish I would take me own advice :3

You can't keep fucking with someones feelings just because you're unsure of yours.

One of the hardest things you'll ever have to do is to stop loving someone because they've stopped loving you.

Anuran Roy

Well, this post is about Boom. He is a very important part of my life & I don't even know how. We go months without talking. We meet once in 3 months or less. But he still somehow is so important.
Well, probably because I owe almost everything major that has happened to me in the past couple of years to him. If there was no Boom, there'd be no JD. Who is probably the most serious & mature relationship I've ever had. Unless you count Dev. Which also wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Boom. & probably these aren't the best things that have happened to me. Dev is probably the worst thing that has happened to me (I'm still considering whether it was the best or the worst. I can't quite figure). But all of these things have made me who I am today. They have helped me mature. To make me the bitch I am. & quite frankly, I love myself. I wouldn't change a thing about my past. Yes, I haven't had the greatest life ever. Not even close. But I've come so far. Dealt with everything. & I do have days when I want to kill myself & everyone around me. But I guess that is how life is.
Apart from introducing me to the major guys in my life, Boom has also always been there. Looked out for me. Told me I'm messed up. Told me I should fix shit. Been a cynical asshole. But, you need a cynical asshole with all the fake-nice people around you. Someone who tells you that yes, you're in deep shit. But you're going to work & make it better.
Boom is also, most definitely, the weirdest friend I have. I've known the guy for over 5 years & I still don't get him. I have no clue why he does whatever he does.  But he does it. Screws up. Leaves the mess. & screws up all over again.
I'm quite glad I have a friend like you, Boom :) I just wanted to say that though you don't remember my birthday. & though we don't talk everyday. You're one of the people I trust the most. & you're a dick. But this is the post where I say nice things about you. So we'll just let that be.
Okay so thats it. KThnxBye :*

you think that you are in love with him because you miss him. but no, you’re just stuck in a state of mind where you are lonely and wanting to be with someone who appreciates you.

You didn't love her. You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was just good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her. Because you don't destroy the people you love.

Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you've lost someone & move the fuck on.

Holding on.

Sometimes you loose what you have with somebody. It could be friendship, it could be love, it could be the bond you have because of a common interest. Whatever it is. You love the person. Their company. There is nothing wrong. You just.. lost what you had.

& then you try to hold on to whatever you have left of that relationship because you really can't afford to lose one more person. But sometimes, letting go is easier than holding on to something that isn't there.

No one ever gets tired of loving. But everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, and hurting.

Unhappy.

Yes, I'm unhappy. I wish I could just pack up & leave because I hate everyone. I hate everyone around me for being happy. For having it easy. I want to have normal teen problems. Like thinking I'm too fat. Or wondering why he isn't texting me back.
I don't want to have to deal with all this. I just want to feel sane again.

How can I get any better, when I just dont want to?

& I don't want the world to see me. Cuz I don't think that they'd understand.

TUMBLR<3