He likes me he likes me not

You know how you feel when you have a crush on someone? I haven't had one in a while and I've missed this feeling. To wait for them to come online or reply to that text. To go to school just to run into them. And that 5 word conversation when you do run into them makes all the effort worth it. I'm confused obviously. About my feelings about whether this is just an infatuation whether I should tell him or take it slow. But he makes me happy. He seems to understand. He and I just click. And for once I honestly don't wanna ruin the friendship incase he doesn't like me back. I wish I could stop over thinking things. And just be impulsive. Maybe I should. Maybe I should just walk up to him in the middle of the cafeteria and kiss him. But then again, am I ready to deal with rejection where EVERYONE knows what happened. I feel like Lizzie freaking McGuire.

Truth is, I get jealous easily because what's mine is mine. I'm stubborn as hell, I say sorry too much. I act like I don't give a fuck because I care too much. I over analyze the smallest of things & probably come off as a bitch to simply guard myself.

There's a thin line between enough and too much. Whether it's the alcohol you consume, the cigarettes you smoke, or the love you waste, that lines crossed by every single one of us.

its hard to accept the truth when the lies are exactly what you wanted to hear

I've accepted that we can't be but I've also accepted that
you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of me life,
the one who is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots.
the one who can make me feel like the happiest person on the planet
but also make me cry within miliseconds
no matter how happy i am otherwise and no matter how long it's been
i feel fortunate to have felt love so real

Is there life before death?

We fail to understand that the time we have is limited. Immortality is of no use to someone who can't spend half an hour wisely. Life goes by as you're trying to 'kill time'. Time is far too precious to be killed.

Teenage dream

I just realized my blogs title used to be "rantingsofatypicalteendramaqueen.blogspot.com" and I changed it a while ago but everything on my blog is about the struggles of being an ordinary teenager. And in 6 months I'm not going to be a teenager. I feel so not ready to be so old. I've never dreamed about being a powerful career lady or a really successful mom or a crazy romance where I get married in brazil or something. All I've ever dreamed of being is a very cool teen blogger or something. Like in awkward or the Carrie diaries. You know she leads an ordinary but extremely eventful life and pulls out deep meanings behind daily happenings and yeah you get the point.
Getting back to what this post was about. I'm not ready to be an adult. Like a legit non-teenager. A teenager is who I am. It's like my destiny. I don't have a disorder where I have an irrational fear of growing up, I am not scared. I'm sad. Very nostalgic. It's like in losing an old friend and everything's going to change now. Kind of like PPD. I'm not ready to let go yet. So I'm going to make the next six months the best of my life. And I'm going to do that by letting my guard down and being impulsive and letting loose and not being so uptight and lazy. These 6 months are about having fun. They're about making mistakes. About putting myself out there. Not being so afraid of rejection. Being more confident. Believing in myself. Caring about the ones around me. Making people feel loved. Living the teenage dream (I'm in California for crying out loud this could NOT get better!). And finally finding myself.
It's so cool that I thought of all this EXACTLY 6 months before my birthday. HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY TO ME!

It's either this or doing math and I abhor math

Okay so I just realized something quite weird about me. It's very easy for me to smile at or talk to someone who I don't find attractive. Like I can talk to everyone in class except that one boy who I think is cute no matter how approachable they may be. My entire personality changes because my attitude towards them is so different from my attitude towards everyone else. So no matter how good a relationship I get into the person I'm with will never really like me for "the real me". That's kind really sad. I'm going to work very hard on changing this attitude. And I feel like this is a very general problem. All of us act in a different way around people we like or like have a crush on. You try to be 10x more charming and 10x more nice and try to look 10x prettier. Which is a good thing too. It means that this person motivates you to bring about positive changes in you. Makes you progress as a human being. I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense I'm just very bored in math class and it motivated me to finally update my blog. I've been so lazy recently it's awful. Regular posts starting now :D

I just want to matter.

Sometimes I feel lonely. Unloved. And I tell myself that if people don't accept my flaws than they're not worth fretting over. But then I feel like its not the flaws. I feel like I'm not really a person. I have no personality. Nothing that stands out. Nothing particularly interesting or fascinating. People don't dislike me. Because they barely notice that I exist. I'm not special. I'm not anyones favorite. I'm just... kinda there. Or I'm important to people because circumstances make it that way. But no ones goes out of their way because they find me interesting and want to be friends with me. Not once. And that is worse than being disliked. 

10 curiosities.

1. Memory. Like how it works. Not just in the human brain but in all forms. I know there is some biological/ technical explanation about information is stored. Maybe I should make an effort to find out.

2. Animals. Like how they think and communicate and how their psychology works. Every animal. If dogs can talk to other dogs. Or if they can talk to cats. If they’re more equipped than us to communicate or not.

3. Love. If different people feel it in different way, the way different people smell Amortentia differently, do they feel different things when they fall in love either?

4. The creation of the Universe. I’m stalking a mythology class and every culture has 382965 different explanations for how we came into being. Science too. I just don’t know which one to believe. Is there a greater power? Are we controlled by something?

5. After-life. Is it just a fullstop the minute we die, or is there an afterlife. Is there a heaven or hell? Guess I’ll never find out in this life.

6. Why horses can’t vomit. I know its a scientific fact. They can’t. I don’t know why. They can’t.

7. What the person I’m going to marry (If I ever get married) is doing at this very moment. Do they ever wonder what I’m doing? Do I already know them? Do they know me?

8. Is magic real? I would like to believe that this isn’t all there is. I want to believe in magic. In Hogwarts. And in elves and pixies and toys coming to life in the middle of the night.

9. Do I have a doppleganger somewhere? I grew up with the Olsen twins and I really really wanted a twin all my childhood. And I just wanna know if there is someone else out there who looks exactly like me.

10. Have I ever affected the life of someone I don’t even know?

i want to do things that inspire me to blog

if there is one thing i wouldn't wanna be, its shallow

Lately, I've been surrounded by people. And I'm realizing how lonely it is. I might have felt like it before but not like this. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with my friends right now. But there is a lot I don't understand about them. A lot of things we absolutely do not have in common. I feel like a Chihuahua in a room full of Great Dane's if you know what I mean. I have to pretend to be excited for the things they're excited for. I have to fake interest. Make so much of an effort to keep the conversation going. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. I have been so busy I haven't had time to be unhappy. But I'm misplaced. I care too much about what I wear and what people are doing and I'm trying too hard to be someone I don't even want to be. I guess I'm just really confused. I'm looking for the Great Perhaps but I don't know where to find it. I don't know where I'm going with anything. Whether its life or this post. I just want to be that person who can find happiness in everything. I want to be that person who is honest and trustworthy and the person who doesn't care too much. I want to be the person I was yesterday. That person was closer to being the person that I want to be than I am today. I want to stop searching for love and just fall. I want to make tye dye shirts. I want paint with bubbles. I want to visit barcelona. I want to read. I want to play hide and seek in Ikea. I want to eat shawarma on Carter Road. I just want to be me. And be happy with being me. I want to feel like I belong. I want to get rid of the feeling that I'm not good enough. And get rid of a world that makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I want to be able to breathe. I want to be interesting. I want to make people feel special. I want to make someone smile. I want to one good deed a day. I want to pay a strangers tab at a restaurant. I want to stop judging people by what others think of them. I want to stop over-thinking. I want to quit smoking. I want to laugh. I want to fall in love with as many things as possible. 

She's a little ball of joy when she's happy she makes sure everyone around her is happy
Sucks that she isn't happy very often

im so fucking high and all i can think about is you. well fuck you.

And he's back

Who would have thought that me out of all people would have trouble fitting in. But moving and starting over at the bottom isn't easy. 2/10 would not recommend.

You only hate him because you don't have him. Because hating him is easier then admitting he hurt you, that he got away, and you'd do anything not to hurt.

Happy Fucking Birthday, Dumbass. Have a great day.

The end.

So I'm on my way back from LA. I haven't talked about Dev in a while. Not just on my blog but to people too. Because I knew how ridiculous it all was. It made me seem extremely stupid for talking to him when I was in California and he was still not around. But I had faith in him. I admit that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but I'm not that stupid or gullible. I knew he was lying bout everything. I had proof that he was lying. But I always felt like even though the facts were all lies his feelings for me were always true. And that, when time came, he would come clean because that's how important I was to him. Well, I guess I was wrong.
So apparently he was in New York the past month and he was flying to LA the day I got there. We spoke right before he got on the plane. He told me it was flight aa 119. The lengths this boy goes to to lie. He was going to call me when he landed. We were finally going to see each other.
Well, I don't think it's a surprise that he didn't show. It would be unexpected if he did. But I've always had hope. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't even blame anyone. Or regret anything. Everyone I know told me stop talking to him. Multiple times. And I didn't listen. I'd fight with him and tell him to be real and he'd be like 'leave if you don't believe me' and I didn't. I stayed. Because I trusted what we had. Even though it was completely based on lies, it was the most real relationship I've had.
This was no ones fault but mine. Things would have been very different if not for Dev. I would be a different person. I probably wouldn't even have this blog. I'm pretty sure I started it when I was with him.
Real or not, he was always someone who believed in me. Who made me feel special. Who made me feel like I was needed. That his life would suck without me. The illusion of someone as perfect as him wanting to be with someone like me was flattering.
But it does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live. Albus Dumbledore taught me that. So I am done. And this time, for real. I've done everything I possibly could. Pushed this as far as it could go. There is nothing left here. He's never going to be able to explain why he couldn't see me yesterday. No excuse will be convincing enough. And I'm never going to be able to forget how he's making me feel right now.
Imagine finding out that you mean nothing to the most important person in your life. The person you moved to an entire different for. (I'm not saying that was the only reason why I moved. But he was definitely a huge part of the reason)
So basically I'm broken right now. But that's a good thing. Because now I'm going to start picking up the pieces and move on. Try to be happy without Dev Morison. Three years is a long time. I grew up with him. And he stuck through all the good and bad times. Especially the bad. I can't imagine what would happen if he wasn't around. And I wish so bad that I didn't have to go on without him. But I do.
This is probably the biggest change in my life. Bigger than moving to this country. Not having dev to fall back on on a bad day. But I'm gonna try really hard. To make it. But I know that somewhere inside me I'll always be hoping to find him. To find my happy ever after.

So life in the US isn't at all what I expected to be. I always thought those stereotypes they showed in the movies didn't really exist. But they do. It's appalling. I mean, in India you could be on the soccer team and be a nerd and like to party all at the same time but it's not like that here. You can do things but at the end all the soccer dudes are friends with the soccer dudes and the Asians only hang out with the Asians and its hard to find a place when you're not hella good at something. Or if you want friends who like to do different things at different times. This isn't high school musical. You stick to the status quo. Which is confusing if you don't know what the status quo is.

Getting by

You know how in mean girls when Janice is telling Cady about the different tables. I'd be the one on desperate wannabees. I guess that's where everyone starts. But I'm not used to this. This might sound obnoxious but I was always the popular kid. I've never been used to people not knowing me. Let alone multilingual smart asses from across the world. And this hasn't been easy. Meeting new people is not as fun as these social people make it sound. It's hard work. Especially when you don't know where these people come from. What they term as annoying or cool. What their culture allows and what mine doesn't and vice versa.
I'd like to think I have friends here but this is different. And different takes a while to be good.
The only thing that keeps me going is that I chose this. I made a decision to come here and at one point I wanted this so bad and now it's happening and I'm here and I have to get through my insecurities and try to do the best I can at the very least.