Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Awkward Moment.
Facebook has its phases. There was Kate's party. The lol jk pages. The Justin Bieber pages. The fearless bastard pages. Then the Dear so&so pages and lots more. Most recently we've seen too many Rebecca Black pages!
But these very intelligent hilarious pages are just forgotten after the craze for type of pages is over.
Here I pay a tribute to The Awkward Moment pages :
1. The awkward moment when Bruno Mars accidentally drops the grenade.
2. The awkward moment when Rebecca Black doesn't know which seat to take.
3. The awkward moment when you're the girl to Rebecca Black's right in the video & don't know what the fuck you're even doing there.
4. The awkward moment when Taylor Swift doesn't know the ending to Romeo & Juliet.
5. The awkward moment when Australia's flag says "Made in China".
6. The awkward moment when you've been talking on the phone for 5 minutes but realise the call dropped 4 minutes ago.
7. The awkward moment when you don't forward a chain mail & die.
8. The awkward moment when an atheist sneezes & you say 'god bless you!' :P
9. The awkward moment when someone says they weren't invited to Kate's Party !
10. The awkward moment when Katy Perry thinks she kissed a girl but it was really Justin Bieber.
Okay I have school now !
Bye<3
But these very intelligent hilarious pages are just forgotten after the craze for type of pages is over.
Here I pay a tribute to The Awkward Moment pages :
1. The awkward moment when Bruno Mars accidentally drops the grenade.
2. The awkward moment when Rebecca Black doesn't know which seat to take.
3. The awkward moment when you're the girl to Rebecca Black's right in the video & don't know what the fuck you're even doing there.
4. The awkward moment when Taylor Swift doesn't know the ending to Romeo & Juliet.
5. The awkward moment when Australia's flag says "Made in China".
6. The awkward moment when you've been talking on the phone for 5 minutes but realise the call dropped 4 minutes ago.
7. The awkward moment when you don't forward a chain mail & die.
8. The awkward moment when an atheist sneezes & you say 'god bless you!' :P
9. The awkward moment when someone says they weren't invited to Kate's Party !
10. The awkward moment when Katy Perry thinks she kissed a girl but it was really Justin Bieber.
Okay I have school now !
Bye<3
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
:')
The most awesome thing at VHMUNC 2011 (:
I love the Press Team :D
P.S : Ashna if you ever read this, I'm very sorry about the first newsletter :(
You are the most diligent & talented writer I have :)
The most tangible of all visible mysteries - fire.
Exactly 9 years ago my house burnt down. Everything was gone. My pictures, clothes, books, and most importantly my 32 barbies. And my two doll houses.
Those were the most precious things back then.
I cried a lot. I was only a kid. I didn't fully grasp what had happened. & how something so terrible could even happen to me. But I cried. Because I guess that's what kids do. & everyone around me expected me to break down. So I did.
My aunt took me out then. Bought me 3 barbies that had just come out. That I had been nagging my mom to buy. But suddenly I didn't care about them. The 32 barbies were not as important as my half burnt birth certificate. & drenched photographs.
I guess that was the day I grew up.
Today. I was coming home from someplace. & about 3 blocks from my house there was a fire. Exactly 9 years ago, 6 houses caught fire. Mine was among the 6. These places were far away. The cause couldn't be related. But apparently it had some astrological significance. When I saw the fire today I thought I was gonna die. I got paranoid. Superstitious too, perhaps. But I was alone. & I was scared. No one was home 9 years ago. I was home today.
Then I accidentally watched the news on TV & found out that there was a fire in Rajdhani Express, yes the train. It got me even more scared. All these fires. The date. It was beyond creepy.
19th April 2011.
Well I'm still alive. && Nothing around me caught fire. Guess that's always a good thing :)
Man is the only creature that dares to light a fire and live with it. The reason? Because he alone has learned to put it out.
But sometimes you're just far too late to put it out. & everything you had is destroyed.
But you have to fight it out. Get over your loss, whether it is barbies or every memory you've ever had, stiffen that upper lip & move on with life :)
Because no one ever said that life would be fair. They just said that it would be worth it in the end :D
Love,
NJ (:
Monday, April 18, 2011
Because. Average is the new exceptional. :D
Because this is worth watching :) & Rihana & Lady Gaga videos that give me nightmares are not >.<
Courtesy - Mriya Mansingh<3
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Respect.
Vihan Jain.
Your new haircut, that is inspired by Noah Puck Puckerman, is AWESOME.
& yes the teachers hate it. & everyone in the world thinks you're retarded.
I, and a couple of other highly important & intelligent people, love it :D
Way to go :P
Your new haircut, that is inspired by Noah Puck Puckerman, is AWESOME.
& yes the teachers hate it. & everyone in the world thinks you're retarded.
I, and a couple of other highly important & intelligent people, love it :D
Way to go :P
The reason why (=
People often ask me what my blog is about. Whether I write life stories or fiction or reviews or what?
I never have an answer for them.
I guess its because my blog if very much like me. Or like any other teenager.
We have thoughts & feelings & emotions & an opinion about EVERYTHING.
We're into music. We're into movies. We're into writing. & photography. & 10 thousand other things.
& my blog just shows all the things that I am & all the things that I do.
Well I'm not a brilliant writer. Though I score fairly well in my English exams at school. I do not use "flowery language" as Sammy puts it. I do not have a wide range of vocabulary & I don't use complex language. My blog is simple. The way I wish life could be.
So I don't have opinons about everything that is happening in the world. Hell, I don't even keep track. I do not have deep knowledge about any one field that I could possibly share with people up here.
Then you might wonder why I created a blog in first place.
Well I needed a place to rant. I could always express better when I wrote. & it is somehow easier if you can share what you have without other peoples opinions affecting what you feel.
Its also always easier to talk to strangers. [This might explain all the time I spend on Omegle :P]
They don't know you well enough to judge. & you don't have to be afraid of consequences.
Though most of the people who read my stuff are people I personally know. The very awesome people in my life :D [as I write this, Vihan has called me thrice to correct my grammar & spelling in previously published posts. Thanks Vee :P]
But the point is, I needed a space. To express myself. & here it is :)
& maybe this should have been my first blog post. explaining what it is about. But I'm sorry, I'm slightly slow :$
Thanks for reading (:
Much love,
xoxo
I never have an answer for them.
I guess its because my blog if very much like me. Or like any other teenager.
We have thoughts & feelings & emotions & an opinion about EVERYTHING.
We're into music. We're into movies. We're into writing. & photography. & 10 thousand other things.
& my blog just shows all the things that I am & all the things that I do.
Well I'm not a brilliant writer. Though I score fairly well in my English exams at school. I do not use "flowery language" as Sammy puts it. I do not have a wide range of vocabulary & I don't use complex language. My blog is simple. The way I wish life could be.
So I don't have opinons about everything that is happening in the world. Hell, I don't even keep track. I do not have deep knowledge about any one field that I could possibly share with people up here.
Then you might wonder why I created a blog in first place.
Well I needed a place to rant. I could always express better when I wrote. & it is somehow easier if you can share what you have without other peoples opinions affecting what you feel.
Its also always easier to talk to strangers. [This might explain all the time I spend on Omegle :P]
They don't know you well enough to judge. & you don't have to be afraid of consequences.
Though most of the people who read my stuff are people I personally know. The very awesome people in my life :D [as I write this, Vihan has called me thrice to correct my grammar & spelling in previously published posts. Thanks Vee :P]
But the point is, I needed a space. To express myself. & here it is :)
& maybe this should have been my first blog post. explaining what it is about. But I'm sorry, I'm slightly slow :$
Thanks for reading (:
Much love,
xoxo
Which seat can I takeeeee?
http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/memes-friday-explained.jpg
Who ever thought that Friday had such deep meaning? XD
Who ever thought that Friday had such deep meaning? XD
Confessions of a discarded soul.
I guess I was 14 when it all started. When we first started having crushes & boyfriends, though it didn't matter much back then...
You think you like me, I think I like you. Everybody is all cool playing truth & dare all the time. They ask you who your crush is. You tell everyone its me. They ask me, I say its you.
We're kids. Stupid. Immature. But we get the butterflies && stare at each other in class. Sit next to each other. Hold hands under the table.
Its cute. Looking back, its highly stupid too. But cute, nonetheless.
Then we grow up. Insecurities increase. Guys lead you on but date the sluts you'd break their heart. You never get the guts to tell the girl you like that you like her & watch her date jackass after jackass.
But what hurts the most is being the best friend. The third wheel.
So my best friend & I spend all our time together. We're inseparable. We love each others company & we do almost everything together. But now. She gets a boyfriend. & I'm single. & she doesn't want me to feel like she has chosen him over me. So she drags me along everywhere & I have to sit & watch them do all their cheesy-couple-y things & just sit their awkwardly. Smiling at all the people who are giving me looks of pity.
Its kind of worse when your best friend is a guy. You're supposed to bond with his girlfriend even though you think she is a total bitch. & SO not worth your best friend. But you just have to deal with it. Take one for the team.
But it doesn't stop here.
if your best friend is a guy, his girlfriend will always ALWAYS be insecure of your relationship. She won't let him talk to you. She'll consume all his time. She will conveniently convince him into discarding you. Since she is there now. & she can totally replace you. Your best friend puts up a fight. He tells his girl that you're important. But we all know how that story ends. You're expected to 'understand'.
Way to go.
My reason of writing all this began a couple of months ago. One of my closest friends boyfriend deleted me off BBM. It wasn't something I'd notice. I barely ever spoke to him and I didn't really realize I didn't have him on my list until I saw his updates on another friends phone. Then it struck me that I don't have him on my list anymore.I didn't bother asking him why he'd deleted me. I didn't bother asking my friend. It wasn't something that bothered me enough to find out why it happened.
Last night 'the boyfriend' start speaking to me on facebook chat. I told him I was offended that he deleted me, just in the passing. This was about 5 months after I noticed he wasn't on my list. He told me it wasn't him who deleted me. It was my friend who did. He said that she thought we got very close at some party 6 months ago & they had a fight.
He then asked me for my pin. I asked him how he was allowed to add me back now. He said that he wasn't. But he'd just deal with whatever happened.
I didn't want to be the one causing fights between my friend & her boyfriend. Hell no. But I guess I'd prefer if my friend came & told me that she was insecure herself before doing things that make me feel that she thinks that I'm an untrustworthy slut who'd hit on her boyfriend.
& I think this isn't the only time this has happened.
There was this guy I dated. About two years ago. We used to be really good friends before we started going out. We lost touch after we broke up. Probably because I dumped him kinda badly but that is irrelevant :P
Last month, I ran into him. We exchanged phone numbers & he added me on BBM. That night we spoke for about 3 hours! Just catching up on things we'd missed.
The next day. The very next day. I spotted him on the road. I was in my car & couldn't stop & talk. So I looked for him on my BBM list. I couldn't find him. I thought it was some problem with my phone so I texted him. Saying I spotted him & that I couldn't find him on my BBM. He told me that his girlfriend deleted me because she was insecure. That was the last time we spoke.
Maybe posting this doesn't do the best for my reputation but I've never really cared about that :P It shows me to be the chick every girl is trying to save her boyfriend from. & I don't think that is something to be proud of. But I just think its stupid. To be so insecure. & that I honestly would never want to steal another chicks guy. I come from a broken family, I know what it must be like.
Also, I don't understand why I come off as the kind of person who'd be interested in other peoples boyfriends. Especially girlfriends of my ex boyfriends. Like honestly, girl. Keep him. Keep my sloppy seconds. I do not want them. That is the reason I left them in first place.
& this is not just for me. Or people who think that I'm going to take their boyfriend away. This is for all the chicks in the world who are insecure of this boyfriends ex girlfriends or best friends. Why don't you work on having a healthy relationship with your boyfriend to avoid him from leaving you rather than cutting him off the world to be with you?
Envy is a waste of time, dahlings. (:
There are so many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. - Oscar Wilde.
Much love<3
xoxo
You think you like me, I think I like you. Everybody is all cool playing truth & dare all the time. They ask you who your crush is. You tell everyone its me. They ask me, I say its you.
We're kids. Stupid. Immature. But we get the butterflies && stare at each other in class. Sit next to each other. Hold hands under the table.
Its cute. Looking back, its highly stupid too. But cute, nonetheless.
Then we grow up. Insecurities increase. Guys lead you on but date the sluts you'd break their heart. You never get the guts to tell the girl you like that you like her & watch her date jackass after jackass.
But what hurts the most is being the best friend. The third wheel.
So my best friend & I spend all our time together. We're inseparable. We love each others company & we do almost everything together. But now. She gets a boyfriend. & I'm single. & she doesn't want me to feel like she has chosen him over me. So she drags me along everywhere & I have to sit & watch them do all their cheesy-couple-y things & just sit their awkwardly. Smiling at all the people who are giving me looks of pity.
Its kind of worse when your best friend is a guy. You're supposed to bond with his girlfriend even though you think she is a total bitch. & SO not worth your best friend. But you just have to deal with it. Take one for the team.
But it doesn't stop here.
if your best friend is a guy, his girlfriend will always ALWAYS be insecure of your relationship. She won't let him talk to you. She'll consume all his time. She will conveniently convince him into discarding you. Since she is there now. & she can totally replace you. Your best friend puts up a fight. He tells his girl that you're important. But we all know how that story ends. You're expected to 'understand'.
Way to go.
My reason of writing all this began a couple of months ago. One of my closest friends boyfriend deleted me off BBM. It wasn't something I'd notice. I barely ever spoke to him and I didn't really realize I didn't have him on my list until I saw his updates on another friends phone. Then it struck me that I don't have him on my list anymore.I didn't bother asking him why he'd deleted me. I didn't bother asking my friend. It wasn't something that bothered me enough to find out why it happened.
Last night 'the boyfriend' start speaking to me on facebook chat. I told him I was offended that he deleted me, just in the passing. This was about 5 months after I noticed he wasn't on my list. He told me it wasn't him who deleted me. It was my friend who did. He said that she thought we got very close at some party 6 months ago & they had a fight.
He then asked me for my pin. I asked him how he was allowed to add me back now. He said that he wasn't. But he'd just deal with whatever happened.
I didn't want to be the one causing fights between my friend & her boyfriend. Hell no. But I guess I'd prefer if my friend came & told me that she was insecure herself before doing things that make me feel that she thinks that I'm an untrustworthy slut who'd hit on her boyfriend.
& I think this isn't the only time this has happened.
There was this guy I dated. About two years ago. We used to be really good friends before we started going out. We lost touch after we broke up. Probably because I dumped him kinda badly but that is irrelevant :P
Last month, I ran into him. We exchanged phone numbers & he added me on BBM. That night we spoke for about 3 hours! Just catching up on things we'd missed.
The next day. The very next day. I spotted him on the road. I was in my car & couldn't stop & talk. So I looked for him on my BBM list. I couldn't find him. I thought it was some problem with my phone so I texted him. Saying I spotted him & that I couldn't find him on my BBM. He told me that his girlfriend deleted me because she was insecure. That was the last time we spoke.
Maybe posting this doesn't do the best for my reputation but I've never really cared about that :P It shows me to be the chick every girl is trying to save her boyfriend from. & I don't think that is something to be proud of. But I just think its stupid. To be so insecure. & that I honestly would never want to steal another chicks guy. I come from a broken family, I know what it must be like.
Also, I don't understand why I come off as the kind of person who'd be interested in other peoples boyfriends. Especially girlfriends of my ex boyfriends. Like honestly, girl. Keep him. Keep my sloppy seconds. I do not want them. That is the reason I left them in first place.
& this is not just for me. Or people who think that I'm going to take their boyfriend away. This is for all the chicks in the world who are insecure of this boyfriends ex girlfriends or best friends. Why don't you work on having a healthy relationship with your boyfriend to avoid him from leaving you rather than cutting him off the world to be with you?
Envy is a waste of time, dahlings. (:
There are so many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. - Oscar Wilde.
Much love<3
xoxo
Monday, April 11, 2011
Curiosity.
They say we always want what we can't have. All my friends with curly hair want straight hair. The ones with straight hair want curly hair. The ones who are thin want to gain weight. The ones who are fat will do anything to loose weight. The ones who are in school want to go to college. The ones who are in college would kill to go back to school.
They also say that we only realise what we had after it has left has. Like one will miss their curly hair after straightening it. && the thin ones, now fat, wouldn't fit into their old clothes and want to loose weight again. && the ones in school crib about it all the time & cry about it in college.
Its how life works. You work so hard for something but then you realize you were happier with what you had.
But what causes this is curiosity. It kills the cat. && the dogs. && everyone else too.
everything you do in life is because you're curious.
You watch TV shows because you're curious to know how it'll end. You wish for things because you're curious to know how it'll feel once you have them. You live life because you're curious about what your future holds.
But, from personal experience, I can say that sometimes its just easier to let go. To let it be a cliffhanger. To not provide a neat, tied up ending. To just LET IT BE.
Because somethings just are better unknown. && what you don't know can't hurt you :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S : Dev. Wherever the fuck you are , I let go. The only reason I was even holding on was because I needed to know the truth. But you're such a horrible person that you disgust me :) && I'm better off not knowing about the filth that exists in the world.
So NO you will not decide what happens of us. && you will NOT come back when you feel like it. && you will not hurt me anymore.
I'm taking back my love :)
I'm letting it go.
Goodbye (:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Love,
NJ (:
They also say that we only realise what we had after it has left has. Like one will miss their curly hair after straightening it. && the thin ones, now fat, wouldn't fit into their old clothes and want to loose weight again. && the ones in school crib about it all the time & cry about it in college.
Its how life works. You work so hard for something but then you realize you were happier with what you had.
But what causes this is curiosity. It kills the cat. && the dogs. && everyone else too.
everything you do in life is because you're curious.
You watch TV shows because you're curious to know how it'll end. You wish for things because you're curious to know how it'll feel once you have them. You live life because you're curious about what your future holds.
But, from personal experience, I can say that sometimes its just easier to let go. To let it be a cliffhanger. To not provide a neat, tied up ending. To just LET IT BE.
Because somethings just are better unknown. && what you don't know can't hurt you :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S : Dev. Wherever the fuck you are , I let go. The only reason I was even holding on was because I needed to know the truth. But you're such a horrible person that you disgust me :) && I'm better off not knowing about the filth that exists in the world.
So NO you will not decide what happens of us. && you will NOT come back when you feel like it. && you will not hurt me anymore.
I'm taking back my love :)
I'm letting it go.
Goodbye (:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Love,
NJ (:
There is nothing so devastating as lost love.
We were going home from my aunt's place. It was past midnight. But when you live in Mumbai, theres nothing like "too late". The city never sleeps.
It was a Sunday night and the streets were still full of life. We were passing the building where I lived for about thirteen years. My dad slowed the car. We usually meet people we know there, since we know almost everyone. So its like a tradition. Going slowly to just spot people we know.
As we slowed, I caught a glimpse of my friend. I could've have yelled her name. I could have waved. I could've even smiled. & she'd notice. But I just didn't try to grab her attention. I wasn't ignoring her or anything. It just didn't seem important enough.
Flashback.
28th March 2005.
I am in 5th grade. My mom is a teacher. She makes me go to school every day. I have 100% attendance. I am a straight A student. I am the teachers pet. But I can bunk school today. & I'm not sick. Nor did anyone in the family die. I can't believe my mom allowed this.
Allowed me to bunk school to go to water kingdom. I had been dancing all morning.
It was my bestfriends birthday. To make things easy lets call her P.
Her parents asked my mom if I could go to Water Kingdom with P & her family to celebrate her birthday and surprisingly my mom allowed.
Water Kingdom was the place to be back then and to say that I was excited would be an understatement.
I remember this so clearly because I caught some virus at Water Kingdom and got chicken pox and haven't since visited it.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we were best friends. I was the one friend she picked to spend her whole birthday with.
She was a year younger than me. && we didn't go to the same school. But lived in the same building & after school, we were inseparable. We were the 'cool kids'. The oldest also. We bossed over everyone. We were a team. Always.
Flash forward.
After passing my 'old building' or so to say. I plugged in my headphones, that I had momentarily disconnected in search of a known face, and blasted my music. The impact of what just happened didn't exist. I barely noticed I did something that I might regret.
Flash back.
May 2009.
My dad calls. I'm at home watching TV. I groan as I answer the phone. "Yes daddy, what now?" He sounds worried. He asks me to go to my old building. Right NOW. He isn't worried. Concerned. Yes. Why? I ask him. He tells me P's mom passed away. I don't believe it. I tell him it can't be true. Did he say grandmom? I never liked her grandmom much. No, dad says. Her mom. & I want you to go there & be there for her.
I rush out of home. Explaining to mom in a few sentences. She gets it. She says she'll be there in a bit too. I don't bother listening to what she says after that.
My mind is blocked till the time I get there. I reach her house. We don't talk that much anymore. Will she even want me there? I see another close friend of mine. I ask her how things are. She tells me we should go to P. I quietly follow.
We enter P's house. The corpse is still there. It will be moved in the morning. P's sitting there. Looking at her mom. Her mom is in a place far far away. P looks like she is too. I remember brief instances from our childhood. P was the apple of her moms eye. Her pretty && talented daughter. P was always embarrassed of her mom showing her off in public. It was cute. When P & I lost touch, her mom told us to stick together. Reminded us of what we had. She cared about P. && she cared about me because I was so important to P.
I felt something hollow in my stomach. Like suddenly some organ disappeared and was filled with just empty space. My friend sat down. Leaving some space between P & her. I took the sign & took that space. P didn't seem to notice I was there. She didn't seem to notice the half a dozen people in the room. Or the tears slowly flowing from her eyes to the floor in an abrupt stream. I put my arm around her and wept. For her loss. For mine.
Flash forward.
Present day.
You'd think someone who you've had so many memories with. Who has kept every secret. Believed every lie. Supported you even when you couldn't support yourself. That someone would stay forever.
But sometimes things don't turn out as planned. The friendship bracelets & the promise of 3rd grade is forgotten. You grow up. You also grow apart. & that is not just how life is, its how you choose it to be.
I could've stayed it touch. So could she. We could've made our friendship work. But we had distractions. Our friendship wasn't necessary. We were easily replaced.
She is someone I used to know. & now, even if we try to catch up, it can't replace the time lost.
I know If I need someone, she'd be there for me. But will I want her there?
Today, I could've gotten off the car && hugged her. Something that would seem the most obvious thing to do to the 10 year old me. But the 17 year old me is different. & the 17 year old me doesn't care. & sometimes I feel like going back in time because I don't know the 17 year old me myself...
More to come :)
xoxo
It was a Sunday night and the streets were still full of life. We were passing the building where I lived for about thirteen years. My dad slowed the car. We usually meet people we know there, since we know almost everyone. So its like a tradition. Going slowly to just spot people we know.
As we slowed, I caught a glimpse of my friend. I could've have yelled her name. I could have waved. I could've even smiled. & she'd notice. But I just didn't try to grab her attention. I wasn't ignoring her or anything. It just didn't seem important enough.
Flashback.
28th March 2005.
I am in 5th grade. My mom is a teacher. She makes me go to school every day. I have 100% attendance. I am a straight A student. I am the teachers pet. But I can bunk school today. & I'm not sick. Nor did anyone in the family die. I can't believe my mom allowed this.
Allowed me to bunk school to go to water kingdom. I had been dancing all morning.
It was my bestfriends birthday. To make things easy lets call her P.
Her parents asked my mom if I could go to Water Kingdom with P & her family to celebrate her birthday and surprisingly my mom allowed.
Water Kingdom was the place to be back then and to say that I was excited would be an understatement.
I remember this so clearly because I caught some virus at Water Kingdom and got chicken pox and haven't since visited it.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we were best friends. I was the one friend she picked to spend her whole birthday with.
She was a year younger than me. && we didn't go to the same school. But lived in the same building & after school, we were inseparable. We were the 'cool kids'. The oldest also. We bossed over everyone. We were a team. Always.
Flash forward.
After passing my 'old building' or so to say. I plugged in my headphones, that I had momentarily disconnected in search of a known face, and blasted my music. The impact of what just happened didn't exist. I barely noticed I did something that I might regret.
Flash back.
May 2009.
My dad calls. I'm at home watching TV. I groan as I answer the phone. "Yes daddy, what now?" He sounds worried. He asks me to go to my old building. Right NOW. He isn't worried. Concerned. Yes. Why? I ask him. He tells me P's mom passed away. I don't believe it. I tell him it can't be true. Did he say grandmom? I never liked her grandmom much. No, dad says. Her mom. & I want you to go there & be there for her.
I rush out of home. Explaining to mom in a few sentences. She gets it. She says she'll be there in a bit too. I don't bother listening to what she says after that.
My mind is blocked till the time I get there. I reach her house. We don't talk that much anymore. Will she even want me there? I see another close friend of mine. I ask her how things are. She tells me we should go to P. I quietly follow.
We enter P's house. The corpse is still there. It will be moved in the morning. P's sitting there. Looking at her mom. Her mom is in a place far far away. P looks like she is too. I remember brief instances from our childhood. P was the apple of her moms eye. Her pretty && talented daughter. P was always embarrassed of her mom showing her off in public. It was cute. When P & I lost touch, her mom told us to stick together. Reminded us of what we had. She cared about P. && she cared about me because I was so important to P.
I felt something hollow in my stomach. Like suddenly some organ disappeared and was filled with just empty space. My friend sat down. Leaving some space between P & her. I took the sign & took that space. P didn't seem to notice I was there. She didn't seem to notice the half a dozen people in the room. Or the tears slowly flowing from her eyes to the floor in an abrupt stream. I put my arm around her and wept. For her loss. For mine.
Flash forward.
Present day.
You'd think someone who you've had so many memories with. Who has kept every secret. Believed every lie. Supported you even when you couldn't support yourself. That someone would stay forever.
But sometimes things don't turn out as planned. The friendship bracelets & the promise of 3rd grade is forgotten. You grow up. You also grow apart. & that is not just how life is, its how you choose it to be.
I could've stayed it touch. So could she. We could've made our friendship work. But we had distractions. Our friendship wasn't necessary. We were easily replaced.
She is someone I used to know. & now, even if we try to catch up, it can't replace the time lost.
I know If I need someone, she'd be there for me. But will I want her there?
Today, I could've gotten off the car && hugged her. Something that would seem the most obvious thing to do to the 10 year old me. But the 17 year old me is different. & the 17 year old me doesn't care. & sometimes I feel like going back in time because I don't know the 17 year old me myself...
More to come :)
xoxo
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