Confessions of a discarded soul.

I guess I was 14 when it all started. When we first started having crushes & boyfriends, though it didn't matter much back then...
You think you like me, I think I like you. Everybody is all cool playing truth & dare all the time. They ask you who your crush is. You tell everyone its me. They ask me, I say its you.
We're kids. Stupid. Immature. But we get the butterflies && stare at each other in class. Sit next to each other. Hold hands under the table.
Its cute. Looking back, its highly stupid too. But cute, nonetheless.
Then we grow up. Insecurities increase. Guys lead you on but date the sluts you'd break their heart. You never get the guts to tell the girl you like that you like her & watch her date jackass after jackass.
But what hurts the most is being the best friend. The third wheel.

So my best friend & I spend all our time together. We're inseparable. We love each others company & we do almost everything together. But now. She gets a boyfriend. & I'm single. & she doesn't want me to feel like she has chosen him over me. So she drags me along everywhere & I have to sit & watch them do all their cheesy-couple-y things & just sit their awkwardly. Smiling at all the people who are giving me looks of pity.
Its kind of worse when your best friend is a guy. You're supposed to bond with his girlfriend even though you think she is a total bitch. & SO not worth your best friend. But you just have to deal with it. Take one for the team.

But it doesn't stop here.

if your best friend is a guy, his girlfriend will always ALWAYS be insecure of your relationship. She won't let him talk to you. She'll consume all his time. She will conveniently convince him into discarding you. Since she is there now. & she can totally replace you. Your best friend puts up a fight. He tells his girl that you're important. But we all know how that story ends. You're expected to 'understand'.
Way to go.

My reason of writing all this began a couple of months ago. One of my closest friends boyfriend deleted me off BBM. It wasn't something I'd notice. I barely ever spoke to him and I didn't really realize I didn't have him on my list until I saw his updates on another friends phone. Then it struck me that I don't have him on my list anymore.I didn't bother asking him why he'd deleted me. I didn't bother asking my friend. It wasn't something that bothered me enough to find out why it happened.
Last night 'the boyfriend' start speaking to me on facebook chat. I told him I was offended that he deleted me, just in the passing. This was about 5 months after I noticed he wasn't on my list. He told me it wasn't him who deleted me. It was my friend who did. He said that she thought we got very close at some party 6 months ago & they had a fight.
He then asked me for my pin. I asked him how he was allowed to add me back now. He said that he wasn't. But he'd just deal with whatever happened.
I didn't want to be the one causing fights between my friend & her boyfriend. Hell no. But I guess I'd prefer if my friend came & told me that she was insecure herself before doing things that make me feel that she thinks that I'm an untrustworthy slut who'd hit on her boyfriend.

& I think this isn't the only time this has happened.

There was this guy I dated. About two years ago. We used to be really good friends before we started going out. We lost touch after we broke up. Probably because I dumped him kinda badly but that is irrelevant :P
Last month, I ran into him. We exchanged phone numbers & he added me on BBM.  That night we spoke for about 3 hours! Just catching up on things we'd missed.
The next day. The very next day. I spotted him on the road. I was in my car & couldn't stop & talk. So I looked for him on my BBM list. I couldn't find him. I thought it was some problem with my phone so I texted him. Saying I spotted him & that I couldn't find him on my BBM. He told me that his girlfriend deleted me because she was insecure. That was the last time we spoke.

Maybe posting this doesn't do the best for my reputation but I've never really cared about that :P It shows me to be the chick every girl is trying to save her boyfriend from. & I don't think that is something to be proud of. But I just think its stupid. To be so insecure. & that I honestly would never want to steal another chicks guy. I come from a broken family, I know what it must be like.
Also, I don't understand why I come off as the kind of person who'd be interested in other peoples boyfriends. Especially girlfriends of my ex boyfriends. Like honestly, girl. Keep him. Keep my sloppy seconds. I do not want them. That is the reason I left them in first place.

& this is not just for me. Or people who think that I'm going to take their boyfriend away. This is for all the chicks in the world who are insecure of this boyfriends ex girlfriends or best friends. Why don't you work on having a healthy relationship with your boyfriend to avoid him from leaving you rather than cutting him off the world to be with you?

Envy is a waste of time, dahlings. (:


There are so many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. - Oscar Wilde.


Much love<3
xoxo

Curiosity.

They say we always want what we can't have. All my friends with curly hair want straight hair. The ones with straight hair want curly hair. The ones who are thin want to gain weight. The ones who are fat will do anything to loose weight. The ones who are in school want to go to college. The ones who are in college would kill to go back to school.
They also say that we only realise what we had after it has left has. Like one will miss their curly hair after straightening it. && the thin ones, now fat, wouldn't fit into their old clothes and want to loose weight again. && the ones in school crib about it all the time & cry about it in college.
Its how life works. You work so hard for something but then you realize you were happier with what you had.
But what causes this is curiosity. It kills the cat. && the dogs. && everyone else too.
everything you do in life is because you're curious.
You watch TV shows because you're curious to know how it'll end. You wish for things because you're curious to know how it'll feel once you have them. You live life because you're curious about what your future holds.
But, from personal experience,  I can say that sometimes its just easier to let go. To let it be a cliffhanger. To not provide a neat, tied up ending. To just LET IT BE.
Because somethings just are better unknown. && what you don't know can't hurt you :)

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P.S : Dev. Wherever the fuck you are , I let go. The only reason I was even holding on was because I needed to know the truth. But you're such a horrible person that you disgust me :) && I'm better off not knowing about the filth that exists in the world.
So NO you will not decide what happens of us. && you will NOT come back when you feel like it. &&  you will not hurt me anymore.
I'm taking back my love :)
I'm letting it go.
Goodbye (:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Love,
NJ (:

There is nothing so devastating as lost love.

We were going home from my aunt's place. It was past midnight. But when you live in Mumbai, theres nothing like "too late". The city never sleeps.
It was a Sunday night and the streets were still full of life. We were passing the building where I lived for about thirteen years. My dad slowed the car. We usually meet people we know there, since we know almost everyone. So its like a tradition. Going slowly to just spot people we know.
As we slowed, I caught a glimpse of my friend. I could've have yelled her name. I could have waved. I could've even smiled. & she'd notice. But I just didn't try to grab her attention. I wasn't ignoring her or anything. It just didn't seem important enough.

Flashback.
28th March 2005.
I am in 5th grade. My mom is a teacher. She makes me go to school every day. I have 100% attendance. I am a straight A student. I am the teachers pet. But I can bunk school today. & I'm not sick. Nor did anyone in the family die. I can't believe my mom allowed this.
Allowed me to bunk school to go to water kingdom. I had been dancing all morning.
It was my bestfriends birthday. To make things easy lets call her P.
Her parents asked my mom if I could go to Water Kingdom with P & her family to celebrate her birthday and surprisingly my mom allowed.
Water Kingdom was the place to be back then and to say that I was excited would be an understatement.
I remember this so clearly because I caught some virus at Water Kingdom and got chicken pox and haven't since visited it.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we were best friends. I was the one friend she picked to spend her whole birthday with.
She was a year younger than me. && we didn't go to the same school. But lived in the same building & after school, we were inseparable. We were the 'cool kids'. The oldest also. We bossed over everyone. We were a team. Always.

Flash forward.
After passing my 'old building' or so to say. I plugged in my headphones, that I had momentarily disconnected in search of a known face, and blasted my music. The impact of what just happened didn't exist. I barely noticed I did something that I might regret.

Flash back.
May 2009.
My dad calls. I'm at home watching TV. I groan as I answer the phone. "Yes daddy, what now?" He sounds worried. He asks me to go to my old building. Right NOW. He isn't worried. Concerned. Yes. Why? I ask him. He tells me P's mom passed away. I don't believe it. I tell him it can't be true. Did he say grandmom? I never liked her grandmom much. No, dad says. Her mom. & I want you to go there & be there for her.
I rush out of home. Explaining to mom in a few sentences. She gets it. She says she'll be there in a bit too. I don't bother listening to what she says after that.
My mind is blocked till the time I get there. I reach her house. We don't talk that much anymore. Will she even want me there? I see another close friend of mine. I ask her how things are. She tells me we should go to P. I quietly follow.
We enter P's house. The corpse is still there. It will be moved in the morning. P's sitting there. Looking at her mom. Her mom is in a place far far away. P looks like she is too. I remember brief instances from our childhood. P was the apple of her moms eye. Her pretty && talented daughter. P was always embarrassed of her mom showing her off in public. It was cute. When P & I lost touch, her mom told us to stick together. Reminded us of what we had. She cared about P. && she cared about me because I was so important to P.
I felt something hollow in my stomach. Like suddenly some organ disappeared and was filled with just empty space. My friend sat down. Leaving some space between P & her. I took the sign & took that space. P didn't seem to notice I was there. She didn't seem to notice the half a dozen people in the room. Or the tears slowly flowing from her eyes to the floor in an abrupt stream. I put my arm around her and wept. For her loss. For mine.

Flash forward.
Present day.
You'd think someone who you've had so many memories with. Who has kept every secret. Believed every lie. Supported you even when you couldn't support yourself. That someone would stay forever.
But sometimes things don't turn out as planned. The friendship bracelets & the promise of 3rd grade is forgotten. You grow up. You also grow apart. & that is not just how life is, its how you choose it to be.
I could've stayed it touch. So could she. We could've made our friendship work. But we had distractions. Our friendship wasn't necessary. We were easily replaced.
She is someone I used to know. & now, even if we try to catch up, it can't replace the time lost.
I know If I need someone, she'd be there for me. But will I want her there?

Today, I could've gotten off the car && hugged her. Something that would seem the most obvious thing to do to the 10 year old me. But the 17 year old me is different. & the 17 year old me doesn't care. & sometimes I feel like going back in time because I don't know the 17 year old me myself...


More to come :)
xoxo

There is more than meets the eye :)

There was once a little boy && a little girl. The little boy really liked the little girl for as long as he could remember. The little girl was popular. She was haughty. & thought the little boy was very dear to her, he was never her Prince Charming. She dated a lot of losers but was always left heartbroken. This hurt the little boy, he wanted to tell her he loved her. So bad. But he was shy. & he knew that what they had together was too precious to loose & so he didn't say anything.

A few years later the little girl wasn't so little anymore. She was a different person now. She didn't judge a book by the cover now. She wasn't the light-hearted person she used to be. She had gone through quite a lot.
The little boy wasn't so little either. He was popular and a thousand girls loved him. But he was still the slightly shy, caring & funny boy he used to be.
Now as the girl grew up she realised she loved the boy. She felt stupid. She thought it was a stupid infatuation that would pass and everything would be okay again. But it didn't. She didn't know how to act, what to say around him. She was losing her mind. It wasn't a nice feeling.
So one day, under the influence of gut & alcohol, she told him. She told him how she felt. He told her that he used to feel the same way & after a lot of pain had those feelings died.
The girl was shattered. Heart-broken. But she understood. She knew he would never want to hurt her. & what they had was too precious. To risk over something that might or might not work out.
The girl knew she was a long way from getting over him, though.
Now the boy had started liking someone else. He hadn't felt this way since he was a little boy falling for the little girl. But again, he was shy. He couldn't tell her though it was very obvious that she liked him back.
Our girl knew. She knew he liked her. & though it tore her apart, she wanted him to be happy. Because she was always his best friend first. She didn't want him to repeat his mistake. To not even try for something that he cared so much about. The little girl thought he didn't quite realise what he felt for the new girl.
The little girl asks the little boy to give it a shot :) & to be impulsive for once. :)
& that she loves him & wants him to be happy :D
& she is also sorry for being so awkward lately.

----------------------------------------------------------

He was a boy, she was a girl,
Can I make it anymore obvious?

He was a punk,she did ballet,
What more can I say?

He wanted her, she'd never tell...
But secretly she wanted him as well.

But all of her friends stuck up there nose
They had a problem with his baggy clothes.

He was a skater boy, she said see ya later boy,
He wasn't good enough for her
She had a pretty face, but her head was up in space
She needed to come back down to earth.

Five years from now, she sits at home,
Feeding the baby.
She's all alone.

She turns on tv,
Guess who she sees!
Skater boy rockin' up MTV. xD

She calls up her friends,they already know,
&& they've all got tickets to see his show

She tags along && stands in the crowd,
Looks up at the man that she turned down.

He was a skater boy,she said see ya later boy,
He wasn't good enough for her.
Now he's a super star!
Slamin' on his guitar!
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

Sorry girl but you missed out.
Well tough luck that boys mine now :)

We are more than just good friends.
This is how the story ends.

Too bad that you couldn't see,
See that man that boy could be.

There is more than meets the eye,
I see the soul that is inside.

He's just a boy, and i'm just a girl,
can I make it anymore obvious?

We are in love, haven't you heard?
How we rock each others world !

I'm with the skater boy, I said see ya later boy,
I'll be back stage after the show.
I'll be at a studio,
Singing the song we wrote,
About a girl you used to know ...




Much love,
NJ.

Loss.

As we grow up, we loose a lot of people. There could be many reasons for why this happens.
When you were in 7th grade, you'll used to be best friends. He knew everything about you, he was allowed to read your personal diary, you'll were so tight everyone thought you'll were dating.
4 years later, you'll don't talk to each other for months.
You still love him, wish he does well. Would be there for him if there is anything that he needs. When you fight with the people you're closest to now, you'll turn to him for comfort, for love. For telling you that you've gone through far worse things in the past & you can make it through this.
But when something good happens, he might not be the first person you tell.
When you have a secret, you wouldn't mind him knowing. But being eager to confide in him, that feeling is gone.

People change. You're obviously not the same person that you were 5 years ago. You're changing. Maturing. Sorting out your priorities. Stuff like that. && somewhere along the way you've grown out of the things that kept you'll together. When it was the taste for similar music or being in the same school. You've left it behind & you don't find ways that would make you keep in touch as easily as you did before. It becomes more of a duty now. Something you do because the person is important.

There are people out there who I never, ever wanna loose. People who I've taken for granted, people I didn't notice before, people who I fucked things up with because of what I felt. There are also people who didn't like who or what I used to be but love me now, people who hurt me back then but regret it now. To all those people from my past. Who are drifting apart. Because I'm stupid & I don't realise how to value what I have until its gone.
I just have to tell you'll that I'm sorry. I really am. For being such a confused jackass. For being lost all the time. For crying about everything. For being irrational. And unreasonable.
Everytime I said I miss you guys, I truly meant it. Every single time.
This post, is just something to help me realise that I'm an idiot. & that I should be grateful to everyone who has stuck around for not giving up on me.

I'm sorry.

Much love,
NJ.

Brad.(:

This post is to pay respect to the most AWESOME gay sheep in the world.

Brad. We miss you.

You were a very important part of my life.

You'd let the guys in my class molest you whenever they got horny.

You gave everyone a few laughs when the class chucked you around && hid you on top of the curtain holder. Or the wifi switch. or the camera.

You listened to all my problems being the perfect audience. You kept me company during long free lectures when I sat in the bathroom BBMing.

This post is just to let you know that you'll never be forgotten.

No one can ever replace you. && you hold a very special place in everyones hearts.

You're IMTF.<3

Much Love<3

xoxo

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=191104294234115

The Way I Loved You.(:

If you can't relate to this, or at least find this song touching, you've probably been living under a rock all of your life :p taylor swift's songs blow me everytime and i am always amazed that she comes out with more. Heres to everyone who is lucky enough to have a lover, and everyone getting over a heartbreak, and for the others like me who just want to find a boy to fall in love with <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAvkyzMLcOo

Expectations.

We all have friends. We all have best friends. We all have things that get on our nerves && though it may seem irrational to many people some people get it. Some people get why you don't do things in a certain way or why you don't like someone you don't like. Normal everyday things. Like for instance, the colour orange gets on my nerves. I'm very sensitive about anything to do with Harry Potter. && I like insects. I wouldn't scream if there was a spider in the room, I would wanna hold it.
So I might be weird. But people who get my weirdness && don't just deal with it but actually adore the weirdness in me aa the one that matter most.
I haven't seen many people in the world who accept just for who you aa.
I've seen people being friends for reasons. Either a social ladder. Either to curb loneliness. Or to show the world how tight you are.
Money. Ego boost. Social Status. Bleh.
&& you do one thing that doesn't please these so called 'friends' && they'll walk away.
Acceptance. Something that people around here lack. They barely ever love you for 'who you are'. Unless ofcourse you've moulded yourself to be just the person people want to see. Which is most of the people around me do. Even I to some extent act in certain ways just to be accepted. To be loved. To be popular. I mean who doesn't like attention?
Sometimes we take people for granted. Cuz we believe that no matter what we do, we love each other && that will hold us together. Love. Its very powerful. But personal experience makes me say that no one. Not one person is ever going to love you enough to bear with whatever you do. [except me with my whole dev thing but that could be counted as just being stupid]
Everyone is going to walk away at one time or another.
&& no one is going to get how you feel. How much your apparent 'irrational demands' matter to you.
But Once you find someone who not only accepts , but loves all your weird ways. Don't let them go :)
This post. Is about nothing, actually.
I'm just having a really bad day && its all getting to me && funnily enough I don't find anyone I can talk to. Everyones got something to do & somewhere to be. && I don't want to interrupt them.
So I'll just rant on here.

Point is. We expect too much from people cuz we'd be willing to do that much for them.
But most of the times, they're just gonna let us down. && watch us break. Because everyone, EVERYONE in the world is selfish. They're obviously gonna think about themselves first.
So I've decided to have no expectations. That way I won't have to deal with disappointment.

Okay I'm gonna go study now.
Thanks for reading if you've gotten till here. :P
Much Love<3
xoxo

Reality.

The story of my life. Made ridiculously public. So that I don't have to answer any retarded Dev-related questions anymore. This is all that I know. Nothing more nothing less.

&& yes I was incredibly stupid to fall for this whole charade but you don't know him. :)

Noopur Jatania 03 December 2010 at 01:40

Hey Dev :)
I don't know how much time I spent writing this.
&& I don't know if you'll read the whole of it :P But I hope you do :)
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEV :)
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)
Now they say , Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
&& your real age seems to be the best kept secret :P
So don't feel bad about getting old :P Closer to being bald (oh whoops. You already are XD) && wrinkles && no teeth (gagagaga) && all that :P
Because 'officially' I'm always going to be the older uglier one >:(

I guess you know what you mean to me.
The most important person in my life.♥
Will always be.
The one whose always been there, never judged. Dealt with me when I was being stupid, or irrational or dumb.
Thanks for being there , Dee.

You're very secretive. Sometimes I feel like I don't you know you at all. && You call me weird. But hey, my favorite color is not white. I don't sleep on the floor cuz I like the cold hard floor against my warm body, nor do I have a rubber duck called Duffy :P
But you're a beautiful person, you are :)
&& today is the best day ever. Cuz its your day :)

I don't know why you keep so much inside. Always have your guard on. But I guess thats who you are. && the whole mysterious thing is pretty hot :*

Us. Funny story. We were perfect together. We were also terrible.
We loved each other too much. Too much of anything is not good I guess. I don't know where that is going to lead to. But you're my best fran Davey. Thats something that'll never change.

Now imma flatter you.
YOU ARE THE MOST AMAZING PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN. Period (: [Haha I said period]
You're funny. Astonishingly smart. Uber uber cute. You in Zoe's pink jacket && boots , I'd do you on the road :P
You're understanding. && patient. && calm. && collected. && sensible. Sane. Yeah well. It seems odd to say this to a guy whose been to rehab & military camp && shit. But you are not mental. Or maybe you are. But thats cool. You're perfect , D.
Like perfect seems like an understatement for you. [NO sarcasm. I swear]

So yeah. I'm just blabbering. But thats cuz writing to you is all I can do. I wish I had other ways of showing you. But I don't.
So I wanna let you know, that I love you =)
Best friend , boyfriend, love, everything :) Thats what you were to me. Thanks :)
You're the best friend. The best ex boyfriend. The best everything I ever had.

I may not say this too often. But I couldn't possibly do it without you. && though I act like a bitch, at most times. I never want you to go away.
You mean everything to me , D.
Don't let go =)

I'd say something cheesy like , you were the missing puzzle peice or something. But we both know how bad I am at being cheesy, so lets not go there.
But we didn't fit like pieces of a puzzle. && we aren't exactly alike. Or exactly opposite.
Or stereotyped.
We're different people. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't. I think we're normal. But what we have together is one in a million ♥ Its like catching lightning that chances of finding someone like you :)

So basically , I wish you have an AWESOME day :) && a fab fab FAB year ahead :)

Happy Birthday Dee ,
iloveyou =)
Forever&&Always.
xoxo

Dev Dumass 04 December 2010 at 18:27 Report

hey.
idk how much time i'll be spendin writin this too.
so lemme start with the truth. devs is my name. n my entire family history is true. i do live in la with my aunt n nathan. n now theres zoe.
okay so it started off as a small thing which originally had bradley n a few guys behind my name in it. it was jus for some shit they had in mind. tehn idk how u even came in the picture. u wernt even supposed to happen. were supposed to be strangers. but idk. then brad n u started talkin n later me. it was fun talkin to u so i told em people that im takin over this account. they wanted me to shut it soon but n i agreed. every day id tell myself that 'dude jus one more week n then go let go of her' but i couldnt. i kept postponin it one day n then the next. befoee we knew it, already a year had passed n i coulndt do without u. when jus a few months had passed they said it was too late to tell u so i msut jus cut off. i did. but i couldnt stop myself from comin back to u. we knew that u wernt in love with the face cuz he looks like a fag. but still i was too scared to tell u the truth.bradley convinced me ud hate me n id lose u forever. which i knew was gonna happen anyway so i decided to enjoy us as long as we lasted.
then u made plans of comin to nyc in jan. i couldnt be more happy cuz i knew when we'd meet there n ud noe, it would be easier to convince u n apologize face to face. that was the only way i could hope that we stood a chance. so jan was cool with everyone.
a lot a things happened in betwween. i got addicted to u. i jus couldnt do without u. u became like a routine. more n more people in school came to noe bout us. they couldnt believe that a stuck up spolit jerk like me wasnt for a change interested in any other gurl. theyd go like 'dude u havent met her and ur jus 16. you cant be in love' n id go like 'dude. u dont noe her' they knew u got me whipped. i felt good for once not to be known as jock. i was totally into u. into this shit. when the dude shaved off his hair, so did i for fun. people liked it but my aunt knew there was something up. u dont jus randomly enter home with no hair. she thought i was turnin into a skinhead. thats when i was put off to military school. i gave up every drug.
i come back n ur datin kumar. i dint noe how to feel. i mean i was obviously broken cuz i loveu but i was glad uwere movin on cuz that would force me too. n thats wa i needed. to get over you.
i did everything in the books, to get over you. i slept with three gurls i barely noe. but i was back to square one.
it sucked. i couldnt wait for jan n for things to be easier. we guessed bein friends ttill i actually told u verything would be better.
so yea.
i noe you hate me. wish i was dead. so do i. i noe i toyd around with u. but i swear to god, every time id tell u that i love you, i meant it. it was jus the face that wasnt mine. everything that i was, every story that i tole, was true.
ur the most beautiful person in the whole wide world. n i jus royaly screwed things up for u. u gave me everything that anyone could possibly want. u worked ur ass off to make us work. u gave me more chances than anyone could have the patience to. n i blew it all up.
i noe my apologie would mean nothing to u. but thats the only thing i can ask for. u cant forgive me, no one can. i cant forgive me either. i'll hate myself forever for doin this to u.
i wont regret us happening though. cuz it was the best thing that could happen to any one. im jus going to regret not meetin u as me all my life. we could have been the best couple if id have had the balls to come clean. i was too scared. n i pay for that now.
i dont noe what the hell am i ever going to do without u. but i guess thats what i have to do.
i swear i'll never hurt u anymore. i wont come back. i promise. hah for the last time.
i noe ur mad at me. but jus so u noe, if u ever need any help from a jerk of a guy from here, i'll always be there for u.
i promise i'll wait for u till the end. its my turn to wait now. even if im not ur guy, u'l always be my gurl.
iloveyou. always.
but jus please dont say anythin now. i wont be able to read it for quit a bit now. its worse already to lose u on the day i lost the other two most important people in my life.

Sent via Facebook Mobile

SAT.

Its 3:24am. I am dead tired. I just realised that I have my business paper tomorrow [thanks Aishwarya =P] . 32 chapters. && I haven't touched my book.
&& surprisingly, thats not what I'm most worried about.
I'm solving a SAT paper.
Professor Fernandez has bee ______ about most of the purportedly humanitarian aspects of the colonial government and has insisted that its actions were, on the contrary,_______.
A. dubious..... self-serving.
B. enthusiastic...  contemptible
C. disparaging.... sporadic
D. excited... gratuitous
E. disillusioned... benevolent

Give the correct answer && you shall be mentioned in my next post.
To all those out there doing their SAT's this month. I sympathize. && I wish you good luck :)
To all those who aren't. Lucky bastards. :P

Wish me luck. xx

Much Love<3
xoxo

Dipika Mohta :)

I was too lazy to write one because I just did yesterdaayyy. So I'm just copy pasting.


Dipikaaaaa.
We've been friends for SO SO long. && its hard to put down everything in like one page.
But I'm sick & I have prelims & I have SAT so this is all I can do =P Apart from the whole book, ofcourse :P
Okay SO. I lovelovelove you :)
You've always been there for me. I really don't remember stuff from school cuz I like have bad memory D; && nothing eventful happened : P except 7 C was the BEST CLASS EVER XD
But the best times were studying for the boards. Holi XD Naarangii XD
You watching me cry everyday X_X && listening to my nana bullshit because he is blind && he thought you were me. :P
GOAAAAAAA XD ♥ _ ♥ [A hangover lasts a day but our drunken memories last a lifetime.]
AFTER GOA :D
The time we went to 5 spice && had no money && ate in McDonalds :P
The day when we randomly went to town for some crap. Then Dahisar to see JD. HAHAHA Mad.
That mall which had super cheap bowling && I defeated you guys SO awesomely B) && We swore we’d go there to bowl all the time && haven’t gone once && over a year has passed :P
The time we got off at Parel to go to Phoenix just to pee :P
First night at RAAA♥ Then JW♥ People thinking we're hookers! XD
Mithibaaii. RCMC XD Everything bout college =D How we were SO excited. How it turned out to be complete crap. :P
All the movies, parties, hookah get-togethers. [cuz idk what to call them.]
MISSION KATTA when I life had the exact same story except your guy loved you enough to tell you the truth (:

We moved on from Sheesha to Roosters to Food Fusion to FI. Together. That is how we term our journey :P Through hookah parlours :P
We haven't been as close as we used to be. Well, probably because before there was just us.
But I'm SO SO glad we're best friends. && that we haven't lost our friendship like everyone else from school.
&& I just wanna let you know that when the rest of the world walks out, I'll still be here. I promise. :*
This is to the memories. :) The nights that lasted forever && the days that went by so quickly. The nights that will replay in our heads as the BEST nights of High School (: The boys that we've kissed.[ :)] The boys that broke our hearts.[>.<] The promises people broke. && the promises we've still kept. x The alcohol we drank :D The people who hated us for being awesome && envied the lives we led. So heres to you. Cuz you stayed by my side. Through it all :) I wouldn't trade you for the world :*

Just wanna let you know - I'll always be beside you, Until the very end, Wiping your tears away,Being your best friend, I'll smile when you smile, && feel all the pain you do, && if you shed a single tear , I promise I'll cry too :( :) [Yes I flicked if off a bumperstcicker cuz I'm incapable of rhyming :(]

Anyway this post is just to let you know how important you aa to me. && how could have NEVER . EVER made it without you. Especially through the last bit of 10th grade.
Thanks for being there :) && being the awesome retard that you are :)

Okay bahut senti ho gaya. Ab hat chutneee. Meri liye cake bana. B)


Because its always better to marry someone who knows whether you prefer coke , pepsi or thumbs up. XD


=*
Much Love <3
xoxo

Vihan Jain :)

Hey there stalker :)
I don't remember when you turned from the annoying nosy kid to one of my best friends but I'm glad you did.
I don't even know how long we've known each other. We've been in the same school for what? 6 years?
But the starting half I was friends with your sister who I have no idea why hates me now >.<
Anyway, I'm SO SO glad we're friends.
You know so much about me, its just easier to talk to you, you've figured out half the story by yourself by the time I get around to telling you about it.
You always understand why I'm doing what I'm doing && even if you don't agree with me , you never once demotivate me.
You're one person I know I can count on no matter what happens. When the rest of the world walks out , I'm sure you'll still be there for me. Still thinking of me so highly. Still flattering me :P
I love how you care about me :) How even when I'm sick of chasing after Dev you don't give up. :P
For someone who is 14 you're VERY smart. && funny , though you don't get it. :P I can actually have a conversation with you, which is cool cuz half of the times I find people my age very dumb. :P
You're my fellow Grammar Nazi. My fellow Kate lover XD My fellow fanpage admin =P My DDR partner XD
I just want to let you know that you're adorable && very funny && that you're an awesome person && that I love you to bits. :D




Cuz when you're feeling low && need comfort food it really helps to have someone who knows exactly what flavor of ice-cream you'd want.
iloveyou, Veeehaaaan.
Much Love<3
xoxo

Her.

She remembered the
day he asked her out. The sky had been crystal clear. Her heart was jumping.
Her stomach churning. He was finally asking her out!!!! She couldn't believe
it. I mean sure she'd wasted all her 11:11 wishes on it & stuff, but it
happening for real was just... Wow.  She was crazy bout him. She knew it,
the world knew it. Everyone knew it. Except for him. && if he
did know, he chose to ignore it. But here he was. Asking her to be his
girlfriend. She obviously said yes. He was everything she'd ever wanted. Why
would she say anything but yes. She shouldn't have said yes. She just fell for
the wrong guy. I'm not saying that there was anything wrong with him. He was
just fabulous. But he was just wrong for her. It was a week of bliss. &
then he suddenly didn't want her anymore. She screamed, she cried, she broke
things. Nothing helped. She cut herself, cried a little more untill her friends
gave her the usual "he-wasnt-worth-you-anyway" talk. But she knew he
was worth it, worth her. She just wasn't good enough. But she couldn't go on
like this. So she wore her fake smile , put on her make-up and tried to face
life again. She was still friends with him. She couldn't do without him in her
life. It hurt everytime she was with him. The way he smiled and gave her
butterflies. She loathed the feeling. She tried & tried so hard to get
over him, to forget everything , but its a little more complicated than that.
About a month after they broke up she was getting ready for prom. This really sweet
guy asked her & her friends wanted her to go out, so she agreed. She
wore a light pink dress & tried to look happy. She was just doing her
hair when her phone rang. His ringtone. Why was he calling her? Reluctantly she
answered.  "Hey..?" "Hey , are you going for the prom
tonight?" "Uhh yea. Why?" " Oh cuz I had an extra ticket
& I thought I'd like you to come with me. But its cool. I'll talk to
you later then. Have fun" "Hey hold on. I don't really have a date.
I'll see you there at 8." "Okay then. See ya" She didn't know
why she lied to him. Or why she ditched her date. Or why she was still stuck on
to him. But he called. & she just had to go. She shouldn't have gone
either. Not to get it wrong. The night was awesome. They made out , danced ,
made out a little more. It was blissful. Things were good again. He was going
to come back to her. Life couldn't get better. She was wrong. AGAIN.
[Yeah, girls can be stupid like this. Give the guy a zillion chances
&& trusting him to not break your heart. But he is stupider. He
won't realise he had you, who was amazing, until you're to far gone.] Just as
the prom was about to end & everyone was all smiling & not
wanting to go home. His phone rang. It was different from his ringtone for
everyone. He bothered keeping special ringtones? His mom or someone, she
thought & didn't let it bother her. He stared at his phone screen.
Blinked twice. "I have to take this." He said. She couldn't make out
anything from the tone of his voice. He started making his way out, she
followed him.  They were standing outside , he answered the phone.
"How come you called?" Is how he greeted the person on the other
side. "I don't fucking care." "What?" "Is there
anything left to say?" "No I don't fucking wanna turn around."
She heard this & immediately turned around. Impulsive. But she couldn't
make sense of the conversation.  Standing behind them was a brunette
chick, kinda pretty, in a grey dress, talking on the phone and staring straight
at her . she recognized the brunette from somewhere. She was his friend. But
what was she doing here? The brunette glanced towards him, and started walking
in their direction. He was walking towards her too. And they met halfway. Just
started at each other for the longest time. && then broke into
the most romantic kiss. It had started to rain. & she just stood there
drenched in her light pink dress as no one noticed her cry.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is story is
for all you girls out there. We all make mistakes. Get our hearts broken. Break
some hearts. But don't let him take you for granted. You might think hes the
one, but your Prince Charming will know what he has when he has you &&
won't be foolish enough to let go :)
So don't worry. The
knight in the shining armour will come along. Until then keep having fun
with all the losers in tin foil :)
xoxo 

Yash Dang.

To everyone out there who knows me , you've definitely heard this name before. && those who don't, well you have now. && you'll will know him in just a bit.

Yash :)

You came into my life because you were friends with Natasha. && I was friends with Natasha. && I told you just today how weird I feel not being friends with her anymore but I'm always going to be grateful to her. For letting me know you :)

We started talking about a year ago. You were dating Trisha then, but we always had this thing between us. This spark. && we could never be just friends. Cuz, well we just couldn't. && we couldn't be more than friends. well because I always seem to fall for guys who do not reside in a 1000 mile radius.

Distance. Its that sucky thing between us.

But thats something we can't help.

Anyway, this post is to let you know how important you are to me. 

We've been friends for quite some time && we have times when we're super close && talk to each other everyday. Then there are times when we go weeks without associating. then we start talking again like nothing ever happened. Which people might think is weird but its perfectly normal to us. =p

Honestly , I admire the person you are. You're smart && understanding && caring && funny && [we did a test on google to prove this one] you're THE perfect boyfriend.

I just wanna let you know that I feel incredibly lucky to have you in my life. =)

It feels nice to know that there is someone out there, who is wanted by a zillion people && he still chooses to be with you. Its highly flattering , actually. Cuz we all know how popular && wanted you are. :P

Half the times, I'm afraid of losing you. Afraid that you'd leave && I'd be lost with you. Afraid of how things will turn out if we actually ever get to be together. Afraid of a lot of things.

But know what? I trust you, I do. 

&& even though what we are is undefined right now, we're going to figure it out. I love you && I love us && its all going to work out. It has to. April :) <3

&& just so you know,  I cannot wait to move to the Bahamas with you where you cook me Maggi every single day =D

You're the Yaa to my Noo. <3 

NO.

VIHAN JAIN IS A BITCH.
GO FLY A KITE.
TA.

HEY!

ITS MY BIRTHDAAYYYYY !
Yes. Its not a post.
But whatever !
Its my birthdaay :D YAY :D

I Don't Know If I'm Getting Better , Or Just Used To The Pain.

I was sick of the rain. About time it stopped. I sat at home all day , watching the roads flood and waiting for the sun to come out.
I hoped for a rainbow , I hoped for a rainbow every time it rained. Guess it gave me hope. That it might be stormy now , but it really can't rain forever.
Sitting on the window sill , I drank a cup of hot coffee and read a corny Nicholas Sparks book , occasionally glancing outside the to see the raindrops racing down the glass of my window. I smiled silently , remembering how I cheered the raindrops when I was a kid. Betting chocolates on raindrops. The good old days. When life wasn't so complicated. When the definition of drama was someone breaking your crayon.
I often wished I could go back , back to the time when I knew who I was . Where I was headed . Back to the time when I had her. && Him. To show me . To teach me. To guide me.
It all started when my sister was getting married.
We lived in Cameron , Louisiana . It was a small Parish town and we just about the only Indian family in the town. So we decided to have the wedding at our hometown in India.
My brother-in-law to be lived in Mumbai , Maharashtra. My sister and I had grown up there , we had moved to Louisiana only recently , about 2 years ago. We had our whole lives in Mumbai and having the wedding ceremony there with our family and friends only made sense.
My brother-in-law Daniel and my sister Ashley had been high school sweethearts. Actually , they'd be dating ever since they were in 7th grade. Their love was the kind in books. They were like pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly. They made complete sense to each other. Just one glance at them , and you could tell how madly in love they were.
Today , about 11 years later . They were still the same. They spoke on the phone , late at night like 16 year olds. She blushed whenever he was around. He did too. I always made fun of them , but secretly hoped && hoped I'd find a guy who'd love me as much as Dan loved Ash .
Dan and I loved not getting along. He was a very very close friend , considering how he'd been around when I grew up . But we just found pleasure in harassing each other , fighting for Ash's attention. He was a good sport . One time , I broke an egg on his head. My parents were grounding me for a week , when he came to my rescue && told them that he'd asked me to break the egg on his head, that he'd watched on TV that egg yolk was a good conditioner. BULLSHIT I thought. But my parents bought it.
Dan had saved me a zillion other times. Forging signature on my leave notes when I bunked school, helping me with projects for school. He was my older brother. One of my closest friends too.
Ash and I had always been close. She was never embarrassed of me in front of her friends , she helped me with schoolwork , with shopping , she gave me 'The Talk' , she practically raised me. Her friends adored me , sorry for the lack of modesty, but I was quite a cool kid .
So you get the part that we were pretty tight.
And that I was incredibly happy that Dan and Ash were finally getting married. That he'd flown all the way to Cameron on their anniversary , ignored his jetlag and decorated our front porch with lilies and vanilla candles, Ash's favorite scents. Poured out white wine && climbed through Ash's window at 4am , led her downstairs && asked her to marry him.
Ash's response wasn't quite movie-like. Well , it was horrible , in my opinion. She passed out. Yes. Passed out. I mean I know that its pretty surprising when your boyfriend turns up inside your bedroom even if he lives on the next street , this guy appareated from continents away. Then he leads you out in the open at 4am , forgetting that its America && people cannot wander outside in the pajamas cuz its pretty darn cold. && After ALL that , he proposes to you. I mean sure , the proposal should've been expected , but Ash wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.
So after all the shrill screaming that made me nearly deaf && all the melodrama && all the corny lines && all the sloppy kisses she finally agreed to marry him.
Three months later , we were in India. The wedding date was fixed for the 16th of September . Ash && I always thought September was the most romantic month . That was a month away.
Invitations were printed , venues were booked , tons of shopping was done, food menu had to be decided , invitations were sent . The guests started arriving a little too early. This always happened in Indian weddings. We had booked two whole hotels for the guests coming from various parts of the country . A couple of friends were coming from the States too.
The wedding atmosphere was all over && as Indian weddings go , the girls family has to arrange everything. Though , Dan's family was more than helpful , being family friends for so long and everything.
The day arrived. There were more than a thousand guests . The wedding was held at the finest , most expensive hotel in the country . Ash looked ravishing , like something straight from heaven. We had the similar good looks. We would have passed as twins if only Ash didn't look slightly older than me .
Dan looked amazing too. I always thought of him as a brother and never noticed how.. well... hot he was . Which was quite :P My brother in law to be was extremely good looking. The last time I noticed that he was sort of gorgeous was on the night of their senior prom. But there was something about today. He looked ecstatic . Like this is all he wanted in life. && after today , nothing mattered. Living , dying he didn't care. Ash was his , it was all he ever wanted.
The wedding was a busy event. I was attending to everyone , making sure everyone is comfortable. Reapplying Ash's lipstick every 20 minutes. Finding relatives who might know each other and introducing them so they wouldn't get very bored. Checking Ash's hair. Posing for photographs etcetera.
I would be lying if I said I was glad it was over. The celebration. The annoying aunties leaving sure made me happy , but I would miss that chatter. I would miss the fancy clothes I was forced to wear the last couple of days . I would miss associating with people I barely knew but was related to somehow. && most of all , I would miss my sister. My best friend. Ash.
But I knew I could come visit any time. && so could she. I was pretty sure I'd get to see her at least once in two months. I better be able to, or I'd kick Dan's balls off.


Ash's birthday was a week after they were returning from their honeymoon. We decided to stay in Bombay until then . Ash && I were always together on our birthdays , the thought of actually not being around at 12am , giving me the perfect present , and making fun of how I was a year closer to gray hair && wrinkles was something I dreaded. 


Ash had bought me lots && I mean LOTS of things on her honeymoon. I guess presents made up for the time I lost with her. Yes , I was rather materialistic :P
Meanwhile I had shopped for her birthday too. I had made a huge collage of our pictures . Pictures from the day she was born , the day I was born , our first birthdays , our football matches , our annual days, to her wedding. The pictures that didn't fit on the BIG frame were put in 6 scrapbooks. Boy, did we love love clicking pictures. 
I also bought her lots of clothes. && shoes. A girl can NEVER have enough shoes. && I bought her lots of sexy lingerie :P Now that she was married , it was acceptable to gift her this :P
&& tons of other things that I don't remember now :\
I was aware that this might be the last birthday we had together. A year later she might even have babies && stuff. Ew. Gross. I was too young to be an aunt. Ash , Dan && I were going to have a serious talk about how they can't have babies if I'm a teenager -.-' 


So Ash's birthday plans were made. Dan && Ash && their close friends would go out for dinner && stuff on the night before her birthday. She promised me that she'd be home before 12am , so we could be together then . && on the night of her birthday there would be a huge party. Family , friends , old aunties who no one actually liked , everyone :)


It was almost 11:30 && I was waiting for Ash to get home. My mom had told me not to keep my hopes very high . That Ash wasn't very likely to turn up before 12 && that she had to be with Dan , it was her first birthday with him && how I should learn to share her && let her live her own life && some other shit that I didn't even bother listening to .
11:45 Ash wasn't home . But I wasn't patient. Mom was probably right. It was her first birthday married to him. But it was also her last birthday with me. Be patient . I thought.
11:50. She better be on her way by now. Dan drove FAST. Like FAST. Some people called it rash. But he was in one piece & so was his car , so whatever. They should be here soon.
11:55. I was standing at the balcony . Phone in hand , what if Ash called to say she was stuck in traffic or something? 
11:57. Should I call her? Theres no sign of her .
11:59. Okay I might be getting a little restless but WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?
12:00. I dial her number with shaking hands. I'll wish her happy birthday && she'll tell me she'll be home in 2. Yes. 
12:02. I've called her twice. WHY is she not answering?
12:10. I've called her && Dan about a zillion times. WHERE ARE THEY?
12:30. I am going to go wake mom up. Shes half an hour late :@
12:40. Mom tells me to go to bed. I am going to wake daddy .
12:50. I'm waking daddy up . He tells me that I should let him sleep. 
12:52: I accept defeat && I'm walking outside daddy's room when his phone rings. I rush to his side hoping its Ash.
We need to go to the hospital right now he says && walks out of the house like a zombie. Just like that. In his nightclothes. I yell at mom && run after dad.
The hospital? I'm starting to get worried.








My sister died on her birthday. She died with the person she loved the most. She died because she didn't want to disappoint the other most important person in her life. Me.
They had been a little drunk. && they had been late. && Ash knew how disappointed I'd be if she wouldn't come. 
She told Dan to drive fast. He did. He drove rashly. He was drunk. The car ran into the divider with a lot of the force. The street light fell on the car. The steering wheel had sunk into Dan's chest. Took them hours to get his body out. Ashley looked beautiful even in her death. She had no scars , no bruises on her body. She died instantly. Of brain haemorrhage. 
The other two people in the car , were sitting behind. One of them slipped into a coma for 3 months. The other survived with small fractures.


I sat at the hospital for 6 hours. Couldn't talk. Couldn't move. Couldn't think. 
Hoped it would all be a bad dream. That I'd wake up with Ash screaming at me about how I fell asleep on her birthday night. Dan telling her to cut me some slack && winking at me with that stupid smirk.
That didn't happen.
They lay cold. Lifeless. 


I still think of them. Everyday.
&& I want them to know that they'll never be forgotten.
They're IMTF<3






------ The End ------


I'm sorry if the end is a bit all over the place. I really wanted to finish this. && there is ganpati visarjan in the next building to the loud drums wouldn't lemme think :@ But yeah . Hope you like it :)




R.I.P Jigu Di (: i miss you :(


I won't go so far to say that I'm fine too much of what I felt for you remains.

I'd like to believe in the healing hands of time but the truth is ,

I really can't say if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.


Much Love<3
xoxo

The Wedding.

At weddings, when everyone turns to see the bride enter, I turn to look at the groom. Sure, I’m curious about how the bride looks. Whether she has let her hair down, or tied it up? Is her dress pretty? Her shoes? But I keep my anxiety under control and look at the groom. The look on his face. It is either pure happiness, joy , love, lust sometimes. Even pain or sorrow . He’d wear it only once in his entire life. The day the love of his life becomes his .

It was a cold January morning . I was dressed in a light pink strapless dress , my hair let down . I was really happy about the way I looked. I couldn’t say the same about how I felt . It was HIS wedding after all. I don’t know why I was there anyway. I was feeling nauseous and I was staring at the floor and I wanted to run away. But I didn’t move. I sat there. I looked up slightly as the flower girls entered . I caught a glimpse of him . He looked plenty happy . He was the most gorgeous groom I had ever seen. He was the most gorgeous guy , actually . His Greek god looks, his lean body , his piercing green eyes, the dimples when he smiled. I stared at the floor again . I had a floating feeling , the butterflies in my stomach exploded . Just like they always did when he was around. But this wasn’t that. These butterflies turned into a knot in my stomach. It hurt. The floating feeling made me want to throw up .

I had imagined this before. His wedding. This was exactly how I had dreamt. Only I would be behind the door, wearing the gorgeous white dress , ready to read the vows and promise to spend my entire life with him . But somewhere we went wrong. We were once so strong ..

The maid of honor made her way to the altar. My stomach churned . Out of habit. Or curiosity. Whatever you term it as, I looked up. I couldn’t help it. I saw all the heads turning to the back, to look at the ravishing bride .

I looked forward . At the groom . The groom who was the love of MY life. Who I had planned on spending forever with . I lifted my gaze and met his .

And to my utter surprise , found him looking at me .