Moment of the day

I feel like this was the best series because it made me document the silliest things that made my day. But obviously I wasn't being very appreciative of life in the recent past.

It might be the drugs I've done, but I honestly don't understand why I make it so hard for myself. I have all these insecurities and concerns playing in my head all the time but I don't voice them and I'm usually so preoccupied with all the things I think I'm doing wrong, that I don't just let myself be.

This series has before, and will again, help me focus on the good.

So we went to this friend's friend's building. And it was honestly the most beautiful place I've been to in quite a while. Which probably just goes to show that I really need a vacation.

But this building had everything from a pool, jacuzzi, squash, badminton, foosball, Air Hockey, snooker and a fucken theatre.

It was like 6am in the morning, and my friend Sanaa and I were just laying on this big ass swing thing.  It's called a Basket Swing, I googled. Click here for reference image.

The sky was grey and there was a very slight drizzle and we were just laying and swinging and it had been such a good night and this swing was the shit so today I'm grateful for that beautiful swing and for great friends and a good night and also drugs. :)))

My attempt to get a haircut

So I haven't posted anything in a while. I've spent too long explaining my state of life and I'm not going to go into that right now because there are greater concerns.

I don't know what writing this post is going to do, except, I hear it's healthy to vent. And who knows maybe this goes viral and I land myself a defamation suit.

I've talked on here about how I have psoriasis. And how annoying it is to live with. I tried going to the dermatologist but they treat you with steroids and shit and it was fucked up. So I tried alternative medicine.

And it had been getting better, but I went off my medication and it's kinda getting bad again. I just wanted to see if that happened. I'm on homeopathy and that's supposed to cure from within. And although I haven't found any substantial proof on wikipedia, it was working for me. Until it wasn't. I've obviously started medication again.

As women, we inherently are more "beauty conscious" and there are certain standards that society sets that even the boldest of feminists succumb to.

I've had trouble.

I have had people refuse to wax me, after assuring them multiple times that hot wax is not going to affect my auto-immune disease. Some have even told me that they don't want their equipment to get infected. Again, that is not how it works, IT IS NOT CONTAGIOUS.

I always like to throw in the fact that Kim K, Britney Spears and my bae Cara Delevigne suffer from psoriasis. They have spoken about how uncomfortable it is. But I doubt they have ever had to deal with snooty beauticians telling them that they are too diseased to work on.

But this story is not about the general stigma that, not only people with psoriasis, but the stigma that all people with conditions the eye can see, are treated.

You'd think seeing someone suffer would make people try harder. I know psoriasis is just the tip of the iceberg. But why do we let our judgement and general negativity affect someone who is already suffering?

So that was a rather large build up to what happened today.

And I want to share this incident because it wasn't a person who was just ignorant about my condition and probably not educated enough to sympathise.

Today I went to Enrich Salons in Infinity 2. I live in Malad, but I usually get my hair cut anywhere in Andheri or Bandra. But I haven't been feeling very well, and this was right next door. I'm not particularly loyal to any salon or stylist.

I used to go to Asif and my stylist there had scalp psoriasis too so she was super understanding and gave great advice. But I've tried everything from Mad-O-Wat to B-Blunt to Shiva's to every other salon in lokhandwala. I'm super lazy and so I get my hair washed at salons often too. And for that I pick any 'parlour' that is convenient at the time. I have got my hair washed at every parlour in the Malad Goregaon region.

And while most of them express concern and advise on my condition, I have never been refused service. (Except once when an aunty came home to wax me and I didn't wanna risk it either so I let her go)

So I booked a 7:30pm appointment at Enrich. I had never tried it before but I live half a block away from Infinity 2, so I thought why not? There is a new JCB in Infinity too ([weak] pun intended). But Enrich is cheaper. And the reviews were better for Enrich so.

When I got there, at exactly 7:30pm both the receptionists were on their cellphones. So I waited till they addressed me. Then they said that the Senior Stylist (who costs like 1.1k wasn't available) who I had an appointment with is not available. And the only option was to go for the Top Stylist (who costs like 1.3k). I considered just going to JCB but whatever I was here now so I was like wtv just cut my hair.

So, I oil my hair with this therapy oil that works really well for me (it's called Shuddhi Therapy if anyone is interested). And that's usually why I get my hair washed outside, because I don't manage to get it all out in 1 wash.

And the haircut explicitly mentioned a free hairwash so I was like might as well kill two birds with one stone. If she's washing my hair anyway, why bother washing it before?

So I was waiting there on the couch for my Top Stylist. She came to me and said 'Haircut?' in probably the most unpleasant tone. I said yes and she took me to the chair.
She kept staring at me like I was the ugliest thing she had ever seen, I'm not exaggerating. So I was like I have oil in my hair and also I have scalp psoriasis. I admit, my hair was a mess and there were flakes of skin everywhere. But that's the point of the beauty industry right? I come to you and you make me prettier.

She looked at my scalp and is just straight up like your scalp is super problematic we can't treat it. And I'm not you don't have to treat it, you just have to wash my hair and cut it??
Usually when I get to salons, they are like omg your scalp is so dry you should to the hair spa or a hair mask and every other service they can sell. And I use my psoriasis as an excuse to shut them up.
But this top stylist at Enrich that is a nationwide franchise is telling me that as a company policy she can't WASH my hair.

I'm just really concerned about the products they use if they think shampoo is going to be the death of me.

I tried to make a point that I have had this condition for a while and I have got my hair cut at various places. And that is not a surface problem.

And they told me I should see a fucken dermatologist??????

How is a dermatologist gonna cut my hair you twat?

You know I have real sympathy for employees of MNC's and such because you're supposed to stick to the rulebook, and represent the company. But if Enrich, that specialise in hair care can't take the responsibility of adjusting to the customers needs and instead humiliate the customer in front of the whole store by making public a disease that they're already pretty uncomfortable with?

I mean sure the stylist was unpleasant to begin with and I wanted to take my business elsewhere from the minute she opened her mouth.

I haven't felt so shitty about my condition in a very long time. At first it was really hard as you can read in this post. But I had finally gotten stronger.

One of my friends paid 700 pounds for rare leopard cat  which is apparently immune to cat leukemia. And that just made me believe that I'm just a rare leopard human with these spots on my body. I know it sounds silly but it was a coping mechanism.

It's so funny how long it takes for you to build the confidence in yourself and to not deny yourself the simple pleasure of doing basic things.

And so little for someone to thoughtlessly tear you down from everything you worked for.

In conclusion, I'd just like to say one thing. FUCK ENRICH. 

7 Billion People In This World

Mostly a note to myself but so is most of this blog so what the hell
There is a lot of fucking people in this world. Living in Mumbai is a constant reminder of that fact. Sometimes life seems so insignificant here. Sometimes, The Humans of Bombay posts and comments seem quite pretentious. These stories literally happen everywhere around us? Have these people never really looked around at all? Is the middle and upper middle class so self involved and ignorant that a Facebook post will make them feel but the reality around them won't? I guess it's not their fault. It's hard to focus on every thing that is going on when you step out on the street. We live in chaos. Everyone fends for themselves. And sometimes, human life seems really insignificant. I already said that but I'm trying to make a point here.
Growing up, everyone thinks they're special. You have a future ahead of you with limitless possibilities and you're not yet completely aware of your capabilities and the harshness of the world around you. You have hope. Hope that you might find the cure to cancer. Hope that you might become that teen pop sensation you believe you are. Hope that you will fall in love comfortably and beautifully. Hope that you will be able to give your parents the life they deserve. Growing up doesn't necessarily mean losing hope. But it almost always does. It goes without saying that we live in a corrupt capitalist world and the baby boomers destroyed the economy and global warming is gonna kill us all. But more than the technical factors it's just the realisation that almost everyone around you is average. That they don't have the cure to cancer, or that they will fall in love beautifully but it will end in a bitter divorce. That with the good, comes the bad. And that life isn't fair. Severus Snape said that.
Growing up also means having to make decisions. Real decisions. Decisions that will affect your life. You have to start thinking about the dreaded 'future'. It can weigh you down. The pressure of knowing and doing and being content.
Beating yourself up is never the answer. You're the only one you've got for the long run. I learned that the hard way. Make yourself happy. Think positive thoughts. Literally just ignore the bad, let it build up whatever you ain't got time for that. Do what makes you happy. Don't be afraid to be happy. Be grateful. Always look at the bright side, the silver lining, the cup half full. Learn. Take the bad as a lesson. Even if it seems cruel. Try to grow from it. People don't say this shit for no reason. Even if it is just a defence mechanism. Let the pain make you stronger. Live a badass life just to take revenge on the world if you must. Whatever motivates you do get out of bed and do what you love and makes you happy is alright. As long as it's not like killing people for fun that's fucked up.
And last but certainly not least, don't lose hope. Keep that hopeful 16 year old who believed that she could take over the world. Maybe I can't be a teen pop sensation anymore, but it's never too late to just be a pop sensation.
I'm just snape snape snape snape snape snape it off snape it off

Too close for comfort

As 90's kids, we were born into a world that was on the brink of the technological revolution. We were the generation that did go out and play and the only enemy was the 'idiot box'. The time before camera phones and Facebook. The visits to dingy cyber cafes, MSN, yahoo messenger and LimeWire.

It took over really fast. There have been revolutionary inventions in our time, it's undeniable. We are already in a world that is co-dependent on technology. Someone told me the other day that it is possible to print human cells. Can you believe that shit? Like fuck robots, we skipped that step. 

While technology is super helpful and necessary at this point, I feel like it is not all for the good.

Now hear me out, I know everyones like oooh snapchat selfies and #werkit #nofilter #blessed. But I remember when we were kids and we were terrified of calling our friends on their landlines. Or when we especially brought out our cameras on special occasions to be able to take pictures. Or when cameras had films!! (don't miss that one tho)

So anyway, the simpler time was not too far ago. And we literally grew up with the World Wide Web, growing as it grew. 

Now I'd be lying if I said the Internet isn't most of my life. It has been for a long time. I'm an OG, I've been here forever. I have seen websites rise and fall. I've cribbed about various Facebook/ Tumblr updates that were unholy. I've watched and lived innumerable memes. I use abbreviations when I speak. 'tbh' that annoys my friends. I've received anon hate and love, made friends, fallen in love, and most importantly experienced the joy that is live blogging. 

The point tho, is that 5 years ago the Internet was a cute tiny space where not everyone was active and not every free space was covered with ads. 

I don't like where the Internet is currently. I liked it when it was just us. The 90's kids. Because old people didn't completely know how to use a computer. And the Kylie Jenner generation was not born yet. 

There are SO MANY websites, blogs, apps, channels, pages, accounts that one can't honestly be expected to keep up all the time. Like I don't have enough hours in my day.

I liked the Internet when I could decide what I could do on it you know. People didn't need to know I was online. You could be low key there. Now when people message you they know if you received their message, read it, what time you read it, what time you were last active at, what time you were last online at, if you have any activity on any other social media outlet which would prove that you're ignoring them. 

People are getting clingy and there is no way to turn it off. 

Everyone has an average of like 500 friends on Facebook. Now if you speak to even like 10% of them actively that is 50 people. Being able to contact you all the time. Maybe I'm just an introvert but I can't handle that much social activity. I also can't handle small talk, which there is a lot of on the Internet. 

10 years ago, I don't think people went out this much. They couldn't constantly keep in touch like we can. They didn't feel the need to take pictures of daily things and post them all over the place. 

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with people wanting to capture their life and share it with their friends and family. 

But when do we stop?

Whatever happened to the concept of personal space?

And are we are a society acting differently because we are constantly under the public eye, even if it's just online? Did people always live like this? Is it healthy? To constantly be exposed to the highlight reel of everyones life (famous and not) and compare it your behind-the-scenes?

Social media is such a powerful tool. I can't express how powerful, it gives us a voice, it gives us access to great things happening around the world, it gives us the power to communicate with anyone anywhere about anything, it raises awareness, educates us about the realities of the world we live in. It is a democracy in most ways. You can do whatever you want and all you need is internet access.

The perks probably outweigh my concerns. And I'm not in any way against social media. I just think we as people are becoming shallow and pretentious and I think social media might have a lot to do with it.

Also, I feel like everyone in our generation has ADHD because we are bombarded with so much information, it is hard to stay focused. That can't be good.
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Moment of the day

It's so funny that I keep giving myself excuses for not writing when honestly I'm just a really fucking lazy person. Like it's a disease. Maybe it's just pot but lets not go there.
The point is that when inspiration strikes you can't deny it.
So today I was coming home from work. I was at the InOrbit signal and this beggar kid was forcing me to buy funeral flowers and I really didn't want to. I do have sympathy for every poor kid in India, . I do what I can, when I can. But shit is shady I don't wanna be secretly funding some kid abducting agency or wtv. SO ANYWAY. The signal was red and they've put this new street light on the inorbit side road it's really bright. And there's guys there who also sell bubble makers. Not even the cheap film-roll-box ones anymore, they have intense stuff. And you know how it is, when stock comes there's like 5 of them selling the same thing. So there's like 5 bubble people, at the stopped signal, blowing bubbles in the traffic and it was so surreal. Picture this okay. Annoying traffic, need to pee, wanna get home. And suddenly from everywhere there's just bubbles dancing around. Rising, then descending. The light hitting them and seeing the spectrum in the soap.
Like it felt like a Disney movie, only this is Malad. But I got the feels, it was really beautiful and I wish you all could see it. It was cool.
Alright thats it, lets hope this happens more often. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

“You have to die a few times before you can really live.” — Charles Bukowski

this is fucken real i cant even

Breathe in, Breathe out

It's been a while since I've written here. I want you to know it's not for the lack of fucks I give. Because generally in life I seem to not give a fuck, but if there is anything I do care about, it's writing. I just haven't been brave enough to try this for a while. Which I don't understand because as soon as I start, words just flow.
I guess it had more to do with my state of being than with my skills as a writer. This is a personal blog, I speak my mind here. But my mind has been so all over the place in the recent past. You might notice the title of my blog changed from "Unravel the fickle mind" to what it is currently. And that is because I've recently been trying to accept myself for who I am. For that is of utmost importance.
This blog started as the rantings of a typical teen drama queen. And I'm none of those things anymore. I'm not your relatable-high-school-musical-girl-next-door. I'm not sure who I am anymore. It's funny how I thought I'd have my life figured out by now but I'm just growing more confused with each passing day.
For one, I can't grasp my head around the concept of time. It's been 6 years since I finished 10th grade. It's been 4 years since I turned 18. My friends went to college and graduated and came back. 2000 is as far away is 2030. And nothing from The Jetsons is real yet. And I'm vaguely disappointed in the state of the world.
But I've also come to terms with the fact that this is life. This is the world we live in. The only place that can (to our knowledge) sustain human life. So, I mean, we don't really got any options here.
We're stuck in his corrupt and capitalist world to struggle to find happiness. And I don't care about what they say, money can buy happiness.
But to get money you need a job and to get a job you need ambition and for ambition you need to give some fucks which brings us back to where I started.
I realize that I really have to start caring. And try.
For starters, I'm going to write more. Who cares if it's trash? I like how it feels.

The Slump

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. It's been a while since I've written at all. I have drafts with three sentences that barely string together, and no will to go on.
My blog has always been the place where I have been completely transparent. It's my life, the behind-the-scenes. But recently, I've been struggling. How do I write my thoughts when I don't even know myself? When I feel like an incompetent pile of shit?
Some of my friends have urged me to write. Something, anything. They know it's always helped me. I don't know what I'm thinking until I write it down. Words just used to flow. But it's been hard.
Until very recently, I was a teenager with no care in the world. I had bad days, but I was a happy person. But the only thing that is constant is change.
I was in a place in my life where I was inspired and hopeful and aspiring to become the best version of myself. And then it was like, I was not-very-neatly cut out of my dream world, and stuck back into the very place I detested. And I hated everything.
I tried not to. I tried to be positive. To read and write and work. We're humans, we're adaptable. And I was lacking in that basic quality.
I have no problem with all things new. Some people are anxious about change. Not me, I welcome it. It's the old that I struggle with. To maintain. The intolerable concept of routine. The same old places and people and things bore me. I absolutely hate being bored.
And I know better. I know this is how life is going to be. It's not easy. And you're not always going to get what you want. And no matter where you are, it will always seem like the grass is greener on the other side. But what I know and what I feel are two completely different things. I feel pathetic for trying to be happy. For laughing at jokes that aren't really making me laugh, or finishing books even though they don't interest me.
But I know better. I know what I want and I know how to get there and I'm thinking about it all the time. I'm thinking about it all the time, while lying in bed eating chip and dip and watching Project Runway. And that's been my life for the major part of the past year.
But I'm tired of wasting my life away. I know I'm actually pretty cool and the world is lucky to have me. There must be a reason we're here today and I want to make the most of it.
I don't want to be unhappy and bitter. And I don't want to project my insecurities onto other people.
I want to start living again.
So hopefully here's to a new beginning.

Bloom where you're planted.